would you object?

[Tink]

Right now I am a bit confused.
My Katie is 18 and has a male friend who seems like a really decent guy. He's polite, worked as a policeman until he got his legs mangled in an accident, is very committed to his 2 daughters, and seems to treat her very respectfully. Since he has no family in the area, she invited him to go with us to her dads side of the families Thanksgiving dinner. Sounds great, right?

The downside is that he is 47 years old and African American. He looks half his age, so I was shocked when I heard how old he really is. I can hope no one will mention age so that won't have to be a topic of discussion at all. I am a bit concerned about how the family will react to his being of a different race. I have never heard any discussion at all that would prove any of them are racist, yet I don't know that there's ever been a situation for it to be brought up either. Hubby and I don't care what color he is as long as he's a decent man, which he does seem to be. How the rest of the family will react is the question.

Should we warn them that her "guest" is black? That seems rather ridiculous...
yet I really don't want to show up and have someone make a scene. Hubbies brother is a rather hateful little turd and the gathering is going to be at his house, so he is the one I am most worried about. This sounds silly even to me, yet I'd rather not start the day off with anyone getting nasty.

What would you do?

[Gina]

May I ask his he her friend or are they involved? I just feel that a 18 yr.old should not be dating a 47 yr.old man who could be her dad, regardless of color.I would object if it were my daughter But that would be another topic.


Getting back to your question, if they are friends and he sounds like a wonderful person, and bless her heart for inviting him over to spend the holiday with your family. I believe no one should be home alone. As far as your brother in law, it is his house, and I hate to think that someone would be that ignorant and make remarks. But you know him better, so maybe you should have your husband mention it to his family before time and tell them to be civil and nice to this gentleman, that he will be your daughters guest. If you really think that he would make your day miserable. That would be very embarassing.. I agree.. Happy Thanksgiving and I hope all turns out well... Your daughter sounds like a mature young lady..

[Tink]

Gina, both Katie and Robert have said if there wasn't such a huge age difference, things might be different between them, but they agree it's not appropriate considering he could easily be her father agewise.
He does have daughters aged 3 and 7 who Katie really enjoys, so she spends time with them and him. He moved here to be near his kids when his ex moved here. He's from Tennesee and was living in California during his marriage and is fighting for full custody of the kids. He knew no one here except his ex and kids, so it was a move for the kids for sure. He says his ex used to be a very nice woman, but she got involved in drugs and changed dramatically. She refused to give up the drugs, so they divorced. I've seen the kids just sob when he has to take them back to her. They definitely prefer to stay with their daddy. ;( It is heartbreaking to watch. You can just see the pain on his face.

My husband is a semi driver, so won't be home ahead of time to talk with his brother. Honestly, they barely talk anyway. We live less than 10 miles apart and they see each other once a year at this gathering. Even then they rarely talk to each other. They are 15 years apart in age and are totally different people. Hubby is not close at all with his family, and quite seriously only really enjoys visiting with his oldest sister. She is more down to earth than the rest, like he is.

I'm sure once his Mother dies he won't bother to even do this once a year visit. He goes now simply because he feels obligated and gets to see his one sister. It's a complicated sad bunch. If he can be convinced to call anyone, it might be his sister or Mother... but I have my doubts about even that.

[Janet]

I think it's great you invited him along...but since it's not at your house, your BIL and his wife should be asked since it is at theirs. I'm having Thanksgiving Dinner at my house and even though the girl is of our race, my niece did ask if it was okay. Of course it's okay and would be okay if she was of another race, but I wouldn't want the shock of someone I didn't know coming without my knowing.

I hope your BIL will be tolerant and courteous.

[Gina]

If it weren't for your MIL and SIL I say don't go, but you explained the situation, Like I mentioned before and Janet did to, you have to tell them that you are bringing a guest, don't just show up. It is right to let them know. Can you talk to your SIL? the one who is hosting the dinner, it is her house? If not just have your MIL or your other SIL call and tell them. I just got a thought have Katie call her aunt or uncle...I hope it works out well.... Good luck!

[DianaB]

Originally Posted by Janet

I think it's great you invited him along...but since it's not at your house, your BIL and his wife should be asked since it is at theirs. I'm having Thanksgiving Dinner at my house and even though the girl is of our race, my niece did ask if it was okay. Of course it's okay and would be okay if she was of another race, but I wouldn't want the shock of someone I didn't know coming without my knowing.

I hope your BIL will be tolerant and courteous.

I agree with Janet. I think that you should call and talk to your sister-in-law. Let them know that your daughter's bringing a friend and casually mention that he's African-American. That way they know that he's coming and what to expect.

[Lissa]

Personally I'd tell them I'm bringing a guest and say nothing about his race. To be perfectly honest, judging from my roommate and her family, if the roles were reversed and she were visiting his family one of the first things they would know is that she's not Black.

[Tink]

Thanks ladies!
We asked a couple weeks ago when we RSVP'ed if the kids could bring guests and were told that would be fine. So there will be no surprise there except that our son has since broke up with his girlfriend, so she won't be coming along.

I know if brother in law gets nasty about it, this will be the last time we go.

[Tink]

Thank God we got through our Thanksgiving Day party without incident. Robert came with and was well accepted. He said he enjoyed himself and did look to like he was. Hubbies Mom even gave him a hug when we left. LOL

Whew!

[Janet]

That is wonderful Tink!! I'm glad you all had a great time.

[DianaB]

I'm glad that everything went well and that he had a great time. That had to have been a huge relief!!

[Kimberley]

That's fabulous! So glad that everything went good for you guys!

[Miss_Sara]

well I know this already happened, and I'm glad it went well
but I'd just like to say...

#1 I'm lucky, my family (besides my mother) would NEVER be that rude. They would wait until he was gone, and it would be talked about for years. and it would be increasingly annoying. but they wouldn't hint to him, they'd be good people. I am SO happy for this.

#2, if my family DID say anything, especially a rude BIL who causes problems. I would simply tell him "I really don't appreciate that, I really hope that you can accept our new family friend. and if you continue to insult us, we will not be coming next year. With OR without our new friend" I would never tolerate that. EVER. I'm just not that person. I wouldn't warn them either, well ofcourse tell them I'm having a guest. but who cares what colour or age? That's just very immature, since he sounds like a nice guy who would be a nice guest to have!


but luckily it went well! sounds like your family realized he was a nice guy!

[RLC12345678]

YAY! I'm glad to hear things went well and that he was accepted by your family.