Changing The Will

[Janet]

We've decided to change our Will after much thought. All our lives, we have worked hard for what we have and decided that as long as our son is with this piece of low life white trash, that when our time comes everything will be sold and given to charity.

We will not take the chance of letting her get her hands on anything we've worked hard for especially my Mothers things. Our son will just have to work hard as we did. We failed somehow.....

[gja1000]

Janet,
You did NOT FAIL. You are great parents. But, as the old saying goes, "love is blind". I've seen it happen so many many times. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving everything to charity - in fact, it is a very noble thing to do. Perhaps in time your son will see the light and then you can change everything back the way it was. Until then, do what you feel you have to do. Don't beat yourself up. Some people, by nature, are more easily manipulated. Perhaps this is your son, perhaps he will always be this way. It's his life, he is making the choices now, you are not bad parents, you raised him well. He has to make his own way, as painful as it is for you to watch. Hopefully enlightenment will come his way soon. Until then, just hope for the best and let the chips fall where they may.

You are a good person Janet, please don't beat yourself up! Enjoy your life, it's too short to fret yourself over things you cannot change, no matter how badly you want to change them. Look for peace and contentment in the things you can control/influence.

[Janet]

Thanks Gayle....my heart is just broken. So far, thank Jesus, they haven't made anything permanent, but I'm so frightened and spend a lot of time crying. I want to denounce her publicly, but know that is so totally wrong. I just feel I need to lash out and there is no way I can, risking losing him forever.

It's so hard and my heart just aches. I try to keep busy doing other things and thinking about other things, but the first quiet moment....that's what comes to mind. Last night I couldn't fall asleep until 3 am this morning. I'm just so tired of it all. I'll just keep praying and would appreciate all of your prayers too. I know in my heart of hearts this is a train wreck waiting to happen and my son will be the one suffering.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr


Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

[gja1000]

That's just it Janet, you can't stop the train wreck from happening, there is nothing you can do so you have to look for peace in other ways. Worrying about it won't stop it either, it will only make YOU miserable. It must be so hard, I can't imagine. But I do know that wishing, worrying and crying won't change anything except make you more miserable. Your serenity prayer is on target, you have to accept the things you cannot change, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy.

[Janet]

You have been such an amazing support for me Gayle. I know you're right, but I have never in my 58 years felt so bad about someone in my life. It seems like I just can't control my thoughts or feelings anymore.

Rick was trying to help Ricky with his truck today.....I even forked over the money and instead of wanting to go get the part and come back and fix it....he picked up the part and then is staying in town with that sleeze bag! I can honestly say I HATE HER!!!

I'm so disappointed in Ricky it's hurts. It's time I tell him that even if he has to rent, he needs to get out. The money train has been permanently derailed. He either gets out...or pays expenses here. I'm no longer going to suffer through this s*** without at least getting something in return.

I should have not stayed away from here so long, maybe I wouldn't be having these awful feelings. 4WT was always a great sounding board with lots of great advice. Now I've dug this hole, or my family has and we just can't seem to get out of it.

[DIANE W]

Janet......I'm so sorry you are going through this, i can only imagine how you feel. You are very wise Janet, and i know you will get through it, it is so upsetting, i can feel how your heart is breaking, our kids mean the world, regardless of their age.

If i was in your shoes, i think i would also be telling Rick, a few home truths, he is old enough now to make his own mistakes, but if he still wants to stay home, he needs to start contributing. Explain to him why you dont like her, but agree with him its his decision, but tell him its hurting you so much, and you believe eventually he will see you are right. Tell him you will always be there if he needs you.

Janet, i dont see how your relationship can continue with Rick, if you cant accept her, how can it?

Do you think in time you may get to like her, maybe she will turn her life around, with Ricks positive influence, and despite her upbringing, she may come good?

Can you not give him some more time, i know its easy to say, but i would be so afraid of him leaving, through arguments and bad feelings, its very hard to take back whats been said and done, i would hate you to become permanently estranged.

Take care, thinking of you.

[gja1000]

You will get out of the hole Janet, you will. It just doesn't seem like it right now. You need to keep busy so that you don't dwell on it. I agree, it's time Ricky gets out on his own. His comings and goings are creating angst for you. I don't think his contributing to expenses is the answer, although that would help. You need to NOT know when he is with her and things like giving him money to get the part, then knowing that instead of getting the part and fixing the truck, he spent time with her. That creates angst. He just needs to get his own place, whatever/wherever that may be. Let me tell you I lived in some pretty trashy places in my time and I survived. I think he just needs to find a place to rent and get moved out. I know renting seems like throwing away his money, but most of us did it at the beginning. I really think that's what he needs to do. Then, you won't know when he is with her or not, and the irritation to your life will be lessened. It really is time he was out on his own, actually it's way past time.

[Shada]

How sad for you all.
Sad for you that you love your son and want only the best for him ~ watching him be with a person that is not good for him ~ sad for your son that he believes he should be with a person who does not respect herself or him ~ sad for your husband who is willing to take time to help Ricky with his truck and is then put off because Ricky would rather spend time with her ~ sad for the whole situation.

I can understand your wanting Ricky to move out. And yes if he wants to live like a adult it is time for him to realize what living like a adult really means.
If he wants to control his life he can't do it living with his parents. I do believe in hard love. That being said.... I hope and pray in doing so he doesn't run to her and spend even more time with her.

I would be careful about what you say. Words can be very hurtful and not easy to forget. Plus it could push him to be with her even more to show how he is his own person, when in fact he is only doing it to show you he can.

I feel so bad for you. Praying for you and your family.

[Janet]

Thank you all so much, you have no idea how much it helps and means to me. I am really watching what I say to him....there is no way I would want our relationship to be estranged. We are as ready as he is to be out, but even renting, with what he makes and the bills he owes, he won't be able to afford it. BUT.....Ricky has decided to sell his truck. He just can't afford a truck, car, insurance for both and plates. This will allow him to pay off all his bills except for one student loan and put a little back. So there is hope at the end of the tunnel.

[DianaB]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this still. I do think that writing him out of your will is a little soon. I personally would just leave that alone and see what happens with this girl.......and then......do you really want your Mom's things sold and going home with a stranger......instead of going to Ricky?

I think that if Ricky moved out that would probably help you. It is hard to know when they're spending time together and if he lived somewhere else you wouldn't necessarally know each coming and going.

Hugs!! Love you!! I'm a phone call away!!

PS.....I need your cell number!!!

[Blueyes]

Gosh Janet, you're in a hard spot! You and Ricky have always been so close, and now you feel like you've lost him to someone else...and it's to someone you hate and is awful for him. You need to do what you have to for your own peace of mind. In Texas, if you inherit something, your spouse can't touch it if it has been kept seperate from the couples shared accounts. She would be able to get half of any interest made from the money, but not the money itself. You might want to check your state laws. Good luck my friend, my prayers are with you!

[Janet]

do you really want your Mom's things sold and going home with a stranger......instead of going to Ricky?

If Mom's things have any chance of going to this girl or her family...yes, I would rather strangers have them or they all be destroyed.

We have worked for all we have and Ricky should do the same. You're right Diana, it would help if Ricky had his own place, but he just can't afford it. He just doesn't make enough to pay rent and utilities while paying two student loans, paying off a credit card debt (that he shouldn't never even have), he also bought some tools so makes a payment to them every month. Don't know what he was thinking.

So until then, he...we're stuck. I may be to move...lol....I can afford it now....lol