Family issues

[Lindsey]

I feel like my family is being torn apart and I am angry and upset.

I know my brother's fiance doesn't like me. She doesn't keep it a secret. She ignores me if I'm in the same room as her, even if I say hello, she turns her head. They will spend weekends with my parents, and she will not say one word to my mom. She really doesn't like us both. I have never known why, but it's a big deal to her I guess.

I had a bachelorette party for my cousin on the weekend, and two of my other cousins drove down for it as well. During the night when the rest of the group was up dancing, I got some time to catch up and have good conversations with those two cousins. One of them and her husband are very close with my brother and his fiance. Her husband is my brother's best man for his wedding. They lived with them for a short time when they were between cities (she moved to a new city for work, and he finished up the summer working here before starting school in the new city, and they couldn't afford rent in two places). So anyway, at the start of the night, this cousin was making comments about them, asking if I like my brother's fiance. I didn't say much, other than I don't have any problems with her! But as the night went on, it became pretty clear that my cousin does not like her at all either.

She told me that she gave her a fair chance from the beginning, but she is just too much to handle. Her favorite things to talk about are me and my mom and how we are both huge bitches and are out to make her life terrible. My cousin said to me, "It's like she didn't realize who she was talking to - I've known you guys my whole life and you have never been anything but nice! I was ready to walk out!" But she will go on and on to anyone who will listen, obviously even if they are my family. She told my cousin that she hates me because I started it all by being mean to her from the moment we met. My jaw hit the floor! I have never been anything but nice to her! Even if I don't like someone, I CAN'T be mean, it's not in me to act like that.

I am just really hurt by it all. I knew she probably was talking about me, but now that I know for sure, it is hard to ignore. My brother told my cousin's husband, and he has told Scott before too, that he misses me and our family, and wishes we could have a relationship again, but we just can't. It ruins his life to talk to me or our mom, because his fiance doesn't allow it and gets really upset if she knows he has talked to us. And anytime he has tried to stand up for us she packs up her things, and the girls' things, and threatens to leave. Those girls are my brother's life, and that has to be the reason he is sticking around. He has no rights to them if she were to leave.

I don't want to bring any of this up to my brother because it will make his life harder to know that it's upsetting me so much. So I guess I just have to ignore and pretend it's all good and put on a happy face. I was fine on Saturday night but I let it really sink in on our way home yesterday and I cried for most of the 2 hour drive. I don't have a thick skin to begin with, and it hurts me to the core to know someone not only doesn't like me, but is spreading lies about me to my own family.

[DIANE W]

Oh Lindsey...... that is just awful, what a horrible person she is, I think you just need to distance yourself from them (i know you have already), in your head too. Some times you just cant win with family, no matter what you do, and so the only way is to keep your distance. It is a shame for your brother, he has to make up his own mind, which he has done by look of it.

Now if i was in your shoes..... part of me would be so mad, i would have to have my say, probably in a letter, one each to her and your brother, i would write it all down how i feel hurt, and tell her to please stop bad mouthing you to people, she can think what she wants, but she is not to bad mouth you.

Just pour it all out, and to your brother tell him, you understand he will stand by her, but explain your point of view, and how if makes you feel, he should know Lindsey............. and end it by telling him you will always be his sister, and will be there if he needs you.

Now the level headed part, would advise do nothing, and hope it will all blow over, i personally would do the letters, even if no resolution you deserve your say, why should she get away with it......... keep copies of your letters too.

Good luck, and dont forget once you decide what to do, if anything..... its upto them, you know in your heart, you did nothing to deserve this, everyone that knows you, will also see that too - just let them get on with it, and you ignore her too.

Oh and a big congratulations to you both, i didnt know about the baby

[Lindsey]

Thanks for the congrats Diane!

I really don't know if I have the guts to say anything, even if it's in a letter. I feel like it will just make things worse. I don't know.

Should I even talk to anyone else in my family? I know she has been talking to people, but I don't know who so how can I defend myself? If I say anything, am I just falling down to her level?

This is such an awkward situation for me. My brother and I used to be very close, but now he only talks to me if they need something. His fiancee never congratulated us on our engagement, our marriage, or even when we told them we are pregnant. He did, though. All she said to me at our wedding was that I had the same decorations she planned on using at hers. I said that's okay, it doesn't bother me! She scoffed and said "I am not having the same wedding as YOU." When we stop at their place, they never invite us in, and if she answers the door alone, she will say "Shaun is in the shower, should be out soon" and she will walk away and leave us standing at the door alone, waiting for my brother to come and talk to us or take what we brought to drop off or whatever.

This is such a crappy situation. I don't even know how I got pulled into the middle of it. He is my only sibling and I feel like I've lost him.

[Janet]

I don't know what the problem would be to have a chat with her yourself. Most problems between two people are cured by having a real good heart to heart conversation. Communication is key for every relationship.

I would also speak to your brother in person and tell him how you feel. Letter are okay, but sometimes the written word can be read with a different meaning than how it was written.

[DIANE W]

I agree about letters, often not showing the true meaning, but personally i could not trust myself to keep calm and cool enough for a face to face confrontation, to me she sounds like she wouldnt be receptive, and the danger would be a huge argument that would make things worse.

I find with a letter in black and white, it can be re-read and digested, hopefully giving an opportunity to see your point of view - where spoken words can be twisted somewhat.

You do what is right for you Lindsey..... maybe nothing if thats what you decide, we all handle things differently. As i said though i would put it behind me and not have any contact unless necessary, shame i know, but its just not worth how it makes you feel.

[Shada]

I feel so bad you have to deal with this. Your brother has to know how she is.. sounds like she is very obvious! How can he allow her to be like that with his own Mother and you?? Wrong.
I understand the children, and him wanting, needing to be there for them.. but I am sure she is blowing a smoke screen in threatening to leave him.. and if she does I think he would be better of for sure!! Also if her nature is to be such a uncaring rude person how good can she be to him or the kids??

I would talk to him and let him know if he needs to see you he will have to come to your home. Or your families.. without her. Why should you and your Mom have to put up with such rudeness??

Good luck to you. So sorry you are going thru such a mess.

[Lindsey]

Thanks, guys! I have decided to care a little less. I think my hormones being crazy makes things a lot worse for me right now.

I talked to my mom last night and let her know how we are being talked about. She was disgusted by it too, but basically said there's nothing we can do. He has made the decision to be with her and we just have to sit by and not let it ruin our lives! She also said that when we are in Mexico for their wedding, we won't need to be around them besides for the ceremony. They aren't having a reception for family after the ceremony, they are just going to a dance bar with their friends for the evening. So I guess I can hang out with my family at the resort. I know their friends all hate me anyway, but I just have to be happy for my own life and the people who choose to be in my life because they like who I am.

[DianaB]

She is the one who is making herself miserable. She's missing out on some great family time and friendships with you and your Mom. It's her loss. I would just ignore her.........be a family with her stuck pouting at the sidelines! Enjoy being around your brother.......try to include her but don't baby her. Hopefully one day she'll realize that it's not worth acting like this and get over it!

[Lindsey]

Hopefully you're right, Diana!