Not Good News -- Surgery

[Mandy]

Oh gosh Janet, i didnt know about him drinking. Im so sorry this is happening, i can understand the worry. Sheryl gave some great advice.
I wish you all the best, and know that we are thinking of you, and your family.
Sending happy thoughts!

[rivermom]

Originally Posted by Janet

Sheryl, I do understand it too, but all he had to say was I need time to think, or I don't want to discuss it now...not "get off my back."

Now that I can see he's drinking more than I thought and obviously while driving, I am totally losing respect. I will be telling him that our son is to drive...never him...ever!!!

He doesn't go to bars or that sort of thing. He just drinks 6 beers on his way home. My sister-in-law tried to tell me, but when I asked him he said no. LIAR!!!

I've thought today about calling the police, just like you suggested, so he doesn't hurt anyone while driving, but if I do that, how is he suppose to get to work? I know that doesn't sound logical, but I really haven't seen him drunk when he comes home. I don't want anyone getting hurt or killed, but if I was to call the police and he loses his license...then it's going to be up to me to support us, he wouldn't be able to drive to work. I don't know what to do.

I'm probably babbleing, but I'm so angry...mad...just all kinds of emotions right now. I really shouldn't even be talking about it here. I'm sure I'll end up saying something so stupid and regret it. It's just too hard to type and think rationally as angry as I still am. I feel I can't even talk with him, because I can't believe him now. I hate liars!!

I just better stop typing and just read for awhile. I need to get over this anger before he comes home or there will be one heck of a blowup and I'll be the one to start it.

Janet - maybe it will help if you go take a walk outside to clear your thoughts. It probably wont do any good to start a fight, that's just fueling the fire sorta say...

I need to add that him not coming home drunk does not mean he's not capable of hurting himself or others driving while drinking. A person can be rated "above the legal limit" and not be drunk.

A person's life out weighs by non-measurable standards any financial situations. I can't really say much more about that sentance.

If you don't want to talk about it here - ask for guidence in a prayer or mediatation to handle this situation in the best possible way for all involved. I understand completely and respect you not wanting to share your entire home situation w/ everyone here. I bet the farm that none of us here do that!

Don't worry about having regrets by what you have said so far. We are all human, NONE of us are perfect, (without sin if that's what I should refer to it as), nor have any right to judge you. Yes, we will come up with our own thoughts on any subject brought up in this forum, but ONLY you know entirely 100% the entire picture being drawn out and none of have walked in each other's shoes.

[Mandy]

Exactly! As sheryl said, fighting is not going to solve the problem girl, and i too completly understand if you dont want to share all your thoughts, but remember, we are here when you need us! Do what you need to do, if it feels right in your heart, then thats the way to go.
Take care of you first, the rest will follow, and fall into place.

[Chandra Amaya]

Originally Posted by Mandy

Janet, i honestly dont think he means to be rude or mean to you, i think hes so nervous about the surgery that he doesnt quite know how to express himself. He knows it has to be done, and will do just about anything to delay it.

I completely agree. There are stages a person goes through with any loss. Loss doesn't have to be a person, his surgery is still a loss.. of his health, his career.

anyway, the first is denial. This you have seen for years from him. "It will get better" or "I'll be fine"
The second is anger. Whether he realizes it or not he is angry. "why did this have to happen to me?" "why can't I just deal with it?". you become angry at yourself, the world & everyone asround you feels it.

the third is bargaining this is where he says "If I can just do this first I'll have the surgery" or "If I can just make it through this I'll start going to the doctor more"

The fourth is depression. This is where he will think it is pointless if it won't help him to continue his career.

The fifth stage is acceptance. This is where he will finally know it has to be done. He will still be afraid but he will go through with it & stop being angry & depressed.

I know this all sounds very Shrink like. I'm sorry. I studied this in both nursing school & psychology class. I have seen it many times working in nursing homes & hospitals. I thought it may help to know it IS NOT YOU & that everything he is going through is normal reactions.

[Janet]

Thank you everyone. I did go for a walk, before I read your post Sheryl. I feel better, fresh air...I'm still very angry, but it's turning more toward I just ache. I'm emotionally tired, so I'll just wait and see what this evening brings and then tomorrow and then the next day.

[Chandra Amaya]

There you go hon. Just one day at a time that's all any of us can do.

[rivermom]

Originally Posted by Chandra Amaya

I completely agree. There are stages a person goes through with any loss. Loss doesn't have to be a person, his surgery is still a loss.. of his health, his career.

anyway, the first is denial. This you have seen for years from him. "It will get better" or "I'll be fine"
The second is anger. Whether he realizes it or not he is angry. "why did this have to happen to me?" "why can't I just deal with it?". you become angry at yourself, the world & everyone asround you feels it.

the third is bargaining this is where he says "If I can just do this first I'll have the surgery" or "If I can just make it through this I'll start going to the doctor more"

The fourth is depression. This is where he will think it is pointless if it won't help him to continue his career.

The fifth stage is acceptance. This is where he will finally know it has to be done. He will still be afraid but he will go through with it & stop being angry & depressed.

I know this all sounds very Shrink like. I'm sorry. I studied this in both nursing school & psychology class. I have seen it many times working in nursing homes & hospitals. I thought it may help to know it IS NOT YOU & that everything he is going through is normal reactions.

Great post Traci!!! The world makes one wise. Not just being in it, but living it. It's from experience that we gain knowledge and understanding of all our questions.

[Mandy]

So so true, he is not mad/angry with you Janet. Hes reacting it off on you because you are closest to him as hes wife, and he knows you love him!

[Forgivenmom5]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this Janet. It is such an emotional time.
Try not to make any decisions until things are more calm. My thoughts and prayers are with you.