so angry!!

Oh no.. I'm not good at all.

I'm just really surprised..for lack of a better word. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with this man, and even though I said I wouldn't be talking to him, I picked up the phone and we do have normal civilized conversations. I mention that he has hurt me, and he's like "aint nobody hurt you.." etc. I'm thinking to myself where was the man I fell in love with? I just can't seem to fathom how for the last three years you think you know someone, and then all of a sudden, every trait, every characteristic about them is suddenly foreign and different to you? He doesn't treat me the right way anymore.. he swears at me, and tells me "I'm just looking for a problem." He had the nerve to tell me yesterday, "your mother didn't raise you right." He has issues with my mom because she doesn't like him.

I'm thinking to myself.. I think I turned out alright. I just got one of two law school recommendations yesterday. My teacher told me to keep in contact with him, to let him know if he could help me with anything else, if the school needed another rec. from him. I have people here trying to help me, I mean how bad could I have turned out?

Then we will be okay for a little while. We will talk like we used to.. and then he will start telling me, "ashley, if we ever had children, I don't want you always leaving us to go visit your family." (the gist of what he said, not word for word) He said we would be moving to TX and all my fam lives in Cali. He said, "I don't think you'd be a good mother because you would leave your husband and children for your family." And then he went on to state that, "If we do have children, I'm going to tell them how fake your aunt is (my sister)" My sister also does not like him.

A. I know, we're broken up. B. He still talks to me as if there's hope of a reconciliation. I'm not quite sure what to do. But, my gran says that maybe I need to cease contact with him all together. Not sure if I can do that. But I know its not healthy for me to continue talking to him in this manner. He's just different.. the things he says, and how he says them. One minute he's sorry, and the next he says he didn't do anything wrong. I don't know what to do..

I was always taught you stick by something. I feel like I betrayed him in the worst way possible. I told him I would never leave him, but I didn't think he would be like this.. Maybe this is what everyone warned me about. He and his ex had a nasty breakup (i went to high school with her) and both of them had to put restraining orders on each other. My gran says that could be indicative of the type of person he is. But I still remember him as my honeybunny. It's just he hasn't been that for a long time...


I'm in so much turmoil right now. I know I made the right decision, but why do I still feel so bad??

Ashley