Not going to believe this one!!

[Tink]

Hmmmmmmmmmm I'm trying to recall if my dh has ever made our bed. LOL
I imagine in nearly 22 yrs he might have once or twice, but I doubt it's any more than that. LOL

Janet, the sad thing is, you can let his imperfections drive you away from him or you can learn to laugh them off and choose to love him anyway. I went through a period of many years where I focussed on Gregs ability to annoy me. When I was feeling like that, EVERYTHING he did became worse in my eyes. Of course the less I appreciated him, the less he tried, too. (and who could blame him?) Eventually I came to a point where my prayers changed from "Lord, fix this idiot I'm bound to" to "Lord, help me to learn to love him again" and miracles began to happen.

Life's far too short to spend it miserable and barely tolerating the person you're committed to. Divorce is an option, but that breeds more unhappiness and hurts everyone around you in the process. What's worked for us, is to choose to make Greg my best friend. I tell him "since you're stuck with me for life, we'd better find a way to make this work" and his attitude has changed in response. We now laugh off a lot of things that just a couple years ago would have driven another wedge between us. In the process we're both happier and much closer to each other.

Your posts about your marriage make me sad because they remind me so much of where we were at and how hopeless it felt to be there. You're such a wonderful lady that I hate the thought of you living like that. I'm going to pray that you and your dh have the same blessing that me and mine have recieved. I don't have the answer for you, but know God does. Expect a miracle.

HUGS

[Janet]

Tink, you help in so many different ways, more than you know. I honestly don't think I can do what you've suggested. I have felt this way for so long. It's so hard for people to understand only because I post bits and pieces, but I don't things will ever change.

We can't talk about issues because every discussion ends up with us angry. He's not willing to really listen. He is really very selfish especially when it comes to money..so much so that he hides it in coffee cans in the ground behind his garage. I know it's there, who is he fooling? I have never EVER spent money without talking with him about it (for large expenses.) So why is he hiding it? That's just part of it.

I'm angry that when we were trying to have children he assumed it was my fault. I took the blame, but it was his fault. He never thinks anything is his fault. I should have left then, but then I wouldn't have my wonderful son.

The making the bed thing...that's just another of a long, long list. He thinks just because he may do something around the house, that I'm suppose to applaud him, stand and clap at his accomplishment, but he is unwilling to do the same to me. I use to thank him and tell him how much I appreciated it, but when I asked why he never did the same do me...he said he figured that's what I was suppose to do.

I'm not happy and I'm crying as I write this. I don't love him, I care for him, but that's it. Once my son is on his own, then I will be too, hopefully. My life has not been EVEN close to what I had wished and dreamed of. Seems like such a wasted life. I don't think I'll ever be truly happy, but I guess I'll take the blame for that too. I should have left along time ago, but now I feel stuck, at least for a few more years.

My son and my Yorkies bring me so much joy and with them, I'll be able to get through until I can leave. I guess I really shouldn't have written so much about me personally. I hope you all can forgive me. I won't be posting anymore about my miserable marriage. It just brings up years and years of things I've tried to put out of my mind.

I'm sorry.

[Tink]

{{{Janet}}} I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I'm very sorry if I did.

There's no reason you should have to hide how you're feeling from me or anyone else. I didn't mean that at all. I just wish you could be happy because I know you're a really nice lady and deserve to be content.

As I said, I don't have any magic cure, but I do believe God does. I do plan to pray for you. I HAVE been where you're at... maybe not the exact same situations, but much the same level of dissatisfaction. I know it's no way to live.

[DianaB]

Janet, the book that I mentioned in another thread, the Five Love Languages, is one that you should probably read. When I got it I cried through two whole chapters because they really spoke about what I was feeling. Basically it says that there are 5 ways for your spouse to let you know that they love you and if they're not reaching you in the way that you need then you're not feeling loved.

It sounds like your husband, like my own, isn't meeting your needs. My husband is a wonderful man who loves me very much, but my need is quality time, and he fails in that area. When I look back over the years I've always felt that he never had time for me alone. In every other area he's been wonderful, but those things aren't what has made me feel loved. He's reading the book and I'm trying to communicate (my biggest problem, I don't communicate when I'm upset). I'm hoping that things will definitely improve. It hasn't been a very good marriage in my opinion for quite a while, but he didn't see that we had any problems.

I recommend the book only if you and your husband can get together and discuss it. Maybe it will help you to understand what is important to the other and things will improve for you too.

[Janet]

Thank you Diana.

[AngieDoogles]

Here is the link for The Five Love Languages. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

There is a quiz there that helps you determine for sure what your love language is and from there it is easier to meet each others' needs. Brendon and I both have a copy of this book, so if anyone would like me to send you a copy, just PM me and I'd be happy to.

Like Diana, I highly recommend reading this book with your spouse. It's an amazing and enlightening experience. I feel that my marriage has been much better than it would have if we hadn't learned those concepts.

[judy]

Dear Janet,

I'm so sorry that you're not happy now. I wasn't happy during my last marriage either and when that ended, even with the other issues I have in my life, I learned that I am always happy. It's just the way I'm made.

Look deep inside and see if you can get in touch with that happy part of you. When you find it, and feel it, just go with it. Nobody can take that from you.

I'm sending you prayers and hugs,

Judy