anyone ever

has anyone here have a baby die? how long does it take for it not to hurt so much? it was a year on sept 11th and i still cant get out of this funk. the baby that died wasnt mine i babysat for him and he died from pulminary adema caused from strept. i know he wasnt mine but i love him like he was, plus it happened at my house. now my daughter is having a baby in feb and i am terrified. i really want to feel excited for my first grand child but i dont know how to make myself feel happy when i am still sad and scared.

[rivermom]

I am very sorry for you. I can't imagine what you must be going through as I myself have not had to experience the loss of a child. Even though this baby was not your own it clearly is such a loss for you.

Possibly seeking someone professional you can speak to might help. This has been a major trauma for you. I wish you peace through this all.

i would love to see a professional but we have no ins because hubby started his own company and we cant afford it right now plus they would just put me bk on meds and that made me into a zombie, i couldnt even remember what happened durring the day when i was on them. not remembering was ok but now that i am off everything its like going bk to day one with emotions. and when i did see someone all he did was up meds. if i do ever get the money i will make sure to tell them no meds this time. i have to learn how to get through this not cover it up.

[Mandy]

Im so sorry you are having to deal with this. It would be a good thing if you can talk about your experience, and feelings as much as possible. Whether it be a pro. or not... talking about it, and sharing feelings, does help, and eases a little. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, be it anger, sadness, i can understand you are having a lot of mixed emotions right now.

Best wishes.

[katepoet]

It's such a hard thing - you will feel the lose of this little angel for a lifetime, but it will not always be so present or so hard. Give time a chance. It takes on average 3 years to begin to feel happy more consistently when you lose someone close to you. Crazy statistic but I found it helped to realize it was normal to feel sad for a long time.

[highlans]

Have just come on for a few min whilst I am cooking tea, but I will come back when I have more time to answer this as I have gone through this with my best friend. xxx

[rivermom]

Originally Posted by scoob

i would love to see a professional but we have no ins because hubby started his own company and we cant afford it right now plus they would just put me bk on meds and that made me into a zombie, i couldnt even remember what happened durring the day when i was on them. not remembering was ok but now that i am off everything its like going bk to day one with emotions. and when i did see someone all he did was up meds. if i do ever get the money i will make sure to tell them no meds this time. i have to learn how to get through this not cover it up.

I understand what you are saying here. There are some great women here and like Mandy said "talking about it and going through the flow of emotions is how you heal" Time heals all wounds and you are right, covering it up with meds isn't the answer always.

[Tink]

Scoob, I lost a 10 yr old nephew who I was very close to, and an 18 yr old who was like a son to me. The nephew has been gone 17 years and I still shed a few tears now and then but I don't think of him every day anymore like I used to. The 18 yr old has been gone 2 years. I still break down when I hear certain songs that he loved or were played at his funeral. I still feel a void but again, it's less intense and less frequent than it used to be. I don't love them any less, but I have had to go on.

I think it's always harder when it's young people... we just can't justify in our minds why they would go before us. We figure we should have been able to protect them and prevent it from having happened... but we're not God and when God says it's time for them to go we are totally powerless to stop it. What we can do is to be glad for the time we had them, the love they shared with us, and hope that we learn from their loss to fully appreciate the other loved ones we still have. We owe them that much.

Life can change or end in a heartbeat. We truly need to make the most of every second we have.

[DianaB]

We live in a society that doesn't allow us to take time and grieve. Probably being medicated just put off the grieving and so now that you're off of the meds you're still dealing with the loss. I know that when I had a miscarriage I found out that I was grieving over my loss. Nobody else felt the loss of this little life like I did. I thought that I was going to lose my mind and then I found a pamphlet on grief and everything in it fit what I was feeling. Do some internet searches and you'll find a lot of information on grief and the different steps that there are to it.

Here's a site that has some suggestions.

http://www.hns.org/CenterforGriefHea...0/Default.aspx

http://seniorliving.about.com/od/lif...a/grieving.htm

If you need to talk then send me a PM--Diana

3 years! this is what i dont get i have never gotten this way when someone close to me died, usually i just know they are in a good palce. i know eligh is also but somehow its different. i dont know if its because i found him or if it was because he was only 4 1/2 months old. and even though i know it wasnt my fault and even if i would have seen it happening there would have been nothing i could have done to stop it i still feel horralbe about it. i have been babysitting for 24 years and i loved doing it but now the fun is gonei still panic if they sleep to long,i still cant sleep at night, and worst of all i am not as excited as i want to be about my first grand child comming in feb i feel like my firend and husband are sick of me being like this and i try to make my self happy but it doesnt really work. i am sorry for going on about this but i just dont know how to get back to being happy anymore. i dont think it really depression i think its most the trauma of it all along with many other things going on in our life.

[DianaB]

You have probably never had a death affect you like this one has. One, because the child was so young. Two, because the child was in your care. Both of those points would be hard.

Do you have a pastor that you can talk to? Someone to help you deal with your grief? You need someone that you can talk to because by holding it in and keeping it to yourself you're not healing. I know that after I had my miscarriage that my mind would not leave me alone. It kept going over and over everything I had done since I had gotten pregnant, trying to find out what had caused it. I finally found a book on miscarriages and by reading it I finally realized that I had done nothing wrong. It still took a long time for that to sink into my heart. Grieving is a journey. Sometimes a long journey. Look at the stages of grief on this website--

http://www.hns.org/Portals/1/Stages%20of%20Grief.pdf

I'm sure that you'll find one of the stages that fits where you're at.

Here's a website on how to take care of yourself.

http://www.hns.org/Portals/1/Taking%...%20Handout.pdf

I also advise that you get check into a book on grieving on a Christian store on-line. Here's a site that I recommend with some books on grieving.

http://www.christianbook.com/Christi...search=1&cms=1

Again, if you need to talk or chat. Please let me know. I'm here.--Diana

[katepoet]

Best thing I know is to let yourself feel what you need to feel. You can do some of the nutritional things to make it easier - amino acids can help a lot with the blues - but if you stop fighting it, it will be easier to live with.

For those three years, you are more likely to have an accident, break a bone, get the flu or a cold - it drives your immune system down. That's a big part of why you should take good care of yourself. Try to give yourself time each day to feel nurtured and at peace. Try prayer, meditation, music or art as a way to find peace.

[judy]

What a terribly sad thing to happen, and to find the little angel while you were caring for him must have been so traumatic. My heart goes out to you.

It is a long time though, and maybe a low dose of an antidepressant can help you get through it. I don't think it takes 3 years to get over the terrible grief you're talking about. You have to be sure that if you do take antidepressants, take nothing that would keep you from feeling your feelings, because, as
the others said, you must feel it to heal. I do think you need to speak to a very good doctor though, because that kind of trauma is sometimes too hard to get over yourself.

You can call Silent Unity and they will listen and pray with you everyday if you need to, at no cost. Their phone number is 1-816-969-2000.

My heart is with you.

[Gina]

You do have a heavy heart and it is very understandable. All I can say is that you have been given excellent advice. Please speak to someone, whether its this forum or a clergy, a close friend. I will keep you in my prayers for something that tragic to happen in your home is deviasting. In time God will heal you, maybe with the upcoming birth of your grandchild will be a blessing in many ways.

Tink I am sorry to hear about your losses to. Life sometimes is not easy.

[RLC12345678]

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this very difficult time. I don't have many words of encouragement or advice for you since I, myself, have never experienced anything like this. All I could say is seek some counseling. There are counselors who are talk-therapists and don't even prescribe medication as part of their therapy. Also, many counselors will work with those who cannot afford to pay full price. I would suggest just looking around and making some phone calls to different counselors around your town. Also, look into reading some books on overcoming the death of a loved one or grief counseling. Best of luck. You will be in my prayers as well as your daughter during her pregnancy!