Too Many Chiefs

[DianaB]

My husband's family consists 3 boys and 2 girls, with my husband being the second born. His older brother, Mark, has a strong personality and the sister that is younger than my husband has a strong personality also, Brenda. The last brother and sister are easier going like my husband. Everyone lives in our area except Brenda who lives in Nebraska (about an 8 hr drive).

My husband's parents have been having some really bad health problems lately and of course, Brenda and Mark have taken care of the majority of the care. My husband's mother had surgery a while back and it was done in Nebraska, which was not very convienient for any of us. Let me add here that we're 100 miles from Wichita, 2 hours from Tulsa, 2 1/2 hours from Kansas City and Topeka, so going to Nebraska made absolutely no sense. Anyway, my mother-in-law is better and finally back home but now my father-in-law is having trouble.

My father-in-law found out a few years ago that he had high prostate numbers and no one pushed him to go to the doctor about it then, but he's having trouble now and everyone's all upset that nothings been done which was what my FIL wanted. There were some tests ran while he was in Nebraska with MIL and it was found out that he has prostate cancer and it's in his bones. My husband took him to Bartlesville, Oklahoma, to an appointment about having surgery which was set up by Mark to go to. My FIL pointed out some problems that he's having and the doctor wants to do a heart cath before he does the surgery. The doctor changed some of his meds which my husband went to a drugstore and bought (it cost us $500 for the meds). The medicine is shots that have to be given twice a day and everything was going well, but Brenda and Mark have decided that that is not the thing to do. That he doesn't need the heart cath and my FIL won't make a decision with so many strong personalities. My husband is trying to contact the doctors today and get some answers but he is so fustrated. I think that once he gets this ordeal over he's going to tell his sister that she needs to come down here and take care of things herself. He loves his Mom and Dad but he doesn't like to be pushed around.

We would really appreciate some prayers for his father's health and for the family. I'm sorry that this is so long and there's so much more that I could say, but I tried to make it short.

[2tiredmom]

Diana,

You and your husband and family are in my prayers. I know it's hard when you have that big of a family to work with. My husbands family (1 brother and 3 sisters) are very head strong too. We live 2 1/2 hours from our families.
In 2006 his father died. He had had bladder cancer but ended up dying from a heart attack. He was only 75. His mom is in fairly good health thank goodness.
Hope all goes well. I'll be sending up prayers.
God Bless.
Linda

[DianaB]

Thanks so much, Cecil.

My husband came home a while ago and he's canceled all of the appointments in Bartlesville and his sister is coming from Nebraska in a few days to get their parents and take them home with her. I think that it's for the best since all of us are bungling idiots in her eyes! My husband said that she's coming to get them before he kills them!!!

It means that she has to take care of every single thing concerning them because she has no one up there to help her out with their care. Her kids are in college and her husband isn't any help. Oh well, that's her concern. Too many chiefs and not enough Indians!!!!!!

[Marilyn]

Diana, I know this must be very hard for you to go through. What a mess. It's so bad that families have to squabble and not get along. Will be praying for you and that it all works out with the most positive solution.

[Janet]

Diana I'm sorry you and your husband have to go through all this. We were very blessed on hubby's side that everyone was willing to pitch in and help, at least the ones that lived locally. The ones out of state wouldn't have helped anyway....too selfish.

It's really tough trying to take care of a parent. I only have my two brothers, but one of my sister-in-laws likes to kind of jump in where she doesn't belong. My brother would just as soon me handle it and so would Mom.

I hope things work out and your husband can still feel a part of their care.

[DianaB]

He doesn't seem to be bothered by it. He's had to deal with their strong personalities his whole life. If he felt very strongly about something he'd make himself heard. He's not a push-over, just easy to get along with. I just hate that they make it seem like he's incompetent. His whole family including aunts and uncles on his mother's side are all very prideful and difficult. Anyway it makes for very interesting family get-togethers!!!!!

[judy]

Dear Diana,

Your FIL and your family will be in my prayers. I hope he'll be just fine and the treatment they decide upon works just fine.

As far as your husband being considered incompetent, it is my belief that leaders (his sister for example) who do not know how to delegate are incompetent!

I love what Dr. Phil says. "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"
Of course, you and your husband are right, but pray for his Dad and be happy that you are free to do that.

[Tink]

My prayers are with you all Diana.
Both my Dad and FIL died suddenly so there was no chance for anyone to take care of them. My mom thank God is is very good shape and MIL is doing very well for her 80+ yrs as well. I'm sure if something happens so MIL needs help, Gregs bro and sisters will charge to her side so we won't really be involved. With my Mom it will be a different matter since my oldest dd (a nurse who lives 4 blocks from mom) and I am usually the ones she comes to... So far we haven't had to deal with this.

I hope things improve there. It IS hard... and some more domineering personalities can just make it that much harder.

[Gina]

Diana my prayers are with you and your FIL. I was my parents main caretaker and its not easy taking care of eldery parents. I have brothers one lived an hr. away and the other brother was local. He use to come by and visit that was it. I took them to drs. etc.. It seems that your SIL is a take charge type of personality and it is her parents, so if she wants to bring them to her home. The rest of the family really can't say anything. Its her decision and as long as she doesn't complain thats it all on her. Don't worry about it. If she complains then the rest of the siblings can shut her up.

Good luck to your FIL.

[DianaB]

Originally Posted by Gina

Diana my prayers are with you and your FIL. I was my parents main caretaker and its not easy taking care of eldery parents. I have brothers one lived an hr. away and the other brother was local. He use to come by and visit that was it. I took them to drs. etc.. It seems that your SIL is a take charge type of personality and it is her parents, so if she wants to bring them to her home. The rest of the family really can't say anything. Its her decision and as long as she doesn't complain thats it all on her. Don't worry about it. If she complains then the rest of the siblings can shut her up.

Good luck to your FIL.

Thanks, Gina. She came a few days ago and took them to her place. I think that it's for the best. My husband seems fine with her decision and it's made things more peaceful. I just hated how he was treated about the whole thing. It bothered me more than it bothered him.