Stressed

[2tiredmom]

I'm so stressed right now it's not funny. My dad called me at 5 am on Sunday morning wanting to know where my mom was. (She died 2 years ago.)
He woke up and she wasn't there. This is not the first time he has done this.
So i had to explain it all to him. I couldn't get back to sleep. Then about noon I called him and he didn't remember calling me. He lives alone right now. He may be coming up here to stay. Don't get me wrong but he is a big baby. He just want's someone to wait on him. He will not make his own decisions. He want's
my brother and I to make them for him.
My dad lives on an acre and a half. My brother wants the property. He lives less than 5 minutes away. I live 2 1/2 hours away. My dad has ran out of money so now he will have to come and live with us. I've told my brother that we need to sell the place and he say's no. He is such a brat. He was the baby of the family and got just about anything he wanted. Sorry to go on. But I'm at a loss.
My oldest daughter is getting married this summer and she lives 2 1/2 hours away from me. Here I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Wrong it's a train. I know I need to step up and take care of my dad. But he is able to do things for himself but won't. My husband has been a rock for me though all this. But I'm afraid if my dad comes to live with us it will put a gap between us. Thanks so much for reading. It seems like the only time i get on here is when i have a problem. But i know you girls don't really know me except for Janet and she's a peach. That's where i'm at right now. Thanks again.

[katcarasella]

Oh Cecil,
I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. Is there anyway your brother can move in with your Dad, or maybe there's someone in your area that is looking for a 'house to share' arrangement. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Kat

Do you have a local "Area on Aging"? We have that where I live, and they've been a help dealing with my mom. She is a widow, lives alone, and is starting to have health problems. If your dad is considered low income, they might be able to have someone come out to the house a few times a week and help with light housekeeping, etc.

Another thing to check into is if there is low income housing available for senior citizens. Where I live, there are several apartments that are exclusively for seniors and the rent is based on income. Either way, your dad could keep some of his independence, and you could keep your sanity!

As far as the house-is it in your dad's name alone? If so, it is up to him, not your brother, what happens to it. You might want to consider having a power of attorney drawn up in case something would happen to your dad. (actually, a will, a living will, AND a power of attorney) Your dad may actually HAVE to sell the house if he needs money.

And last-if your brother wants the house that bad-let him buy it. Notice I said BUY it! NOT a gift! Or at least, buy out your share, if your dad wants the money to go to you kids. I don't know anything about your dad's situation, but he may need the money from the sale of his house for medical care, etc, down the road.

[Tink]

I'd say check with an attorney or your county agency on aging before you do anything else. IF dad continues to need help and is developing dementia or some type of cognitive issues, it's very possible he will in time need to have full time care. Don't just jump in and volunteer no matter how much you love him. Some who have been mild mannered and sweet their whole lives can become aggressive and combative when confused and scared and you do NOT want him destroying your home and marriage.

Find out if there are any government agencies that might help with home health care... or any assisted living places that he might qualify for. It could be soc sec would cover the cost if it's done right. Once you take him in it might be a whole different ballgame.

As for the property, if he's going to need to sell the place to pay for his care, soc serv will likely step in and your brother will have to buy it like anyone else would. If there's a good chance the cost of your fathers care will eat up any profit from the sale of the property, they're not going to allow any of his kids to be gifted any portion of it... as that inheritance will be gone. Sad fact... but reality often is.

Just make sure you check things out before you jump in and do anything rash. You have to protect yourself as well as your father.

[DianaB]

I agree with what's been said. Your Dad needs to have papers drawn up for power-of-attorney and you need to talk to a lawyer. Your brother might not have much say in the matter. Whoever has the POA needs to be a responsible person and willing to make sure that all arrangements are for your Dad's well being.

[Chandra Amaya]

Originally Posted by Tink

I'd say check with an attorney or your county agency on aging before you do anything else. IF dad continues to need help and is developing dementia or some type of cognitive issues, it's very possible he will in time need to have full time care. Don't just jump in and volunteer no matter how much you love him. Some who have been mild mannered and sweet their whole lives can become aggressive and combative when confused and scared and you do NOT want him destroying your home and marriage.

Find out if there are any government agencies that might help with home health care... or any assisted living places that he might qualify for. It could be soc sec would cover the cost if it's done right. Once you take him in it might be a whole different ballgame.

As for the property, if he's going to need to sell the place to pay for his care, soc serv will likely step in and your brother will have to buy it like anyone else would. If there's a good chance the cost of your fathers care will eat up any profit from the sale of the property, they're not going to allow any of his kids to be gifted any portion of it... as that inheritance will be gone. Sad fact... but reality often is.

Just make sure you check things out before you jump in and do anything rash. You have to protect yourself as well as your father.

I completely agree with this. i have worked to an unit for dmentia at a nursing home and I was in home health and saw many families destroyed by taking care of a loved one in this situation. We have several services that do in home care in my area and it is a small town. Try finding one they can be great.

[Janet]

Hey Linda, sorry you're going through all this. Catlover and Tink have given you excellent advice. I think you need to act on it as soon as possible expecially getting the power of attorney.

[2tiredmom]

Thanks ladies, We had a dual POA done before my mom passed away.
So my brother and I can sign for anything. My name is the only one on their
bank accounts so i'm pretty safe there. My dad had a will drawn up before Christmas. It states that my brother has first rights to buy when my dad passes away. So you all have given me very good advice most of which i forgot to mention when i started this thread. My dad has gotten violent in the past so
I will have to check into things better. He owns property so Medicaid will not
do anything since he does.
Thanks again everyone.

[katcarasella]

Hi, I don't think we have formally met, I'm Kat (aka Kathy) Is your name Linda?Yesterday I called you cecil and I apologize for that, I'm usually good with names.
Are you feeling better today? Stress can be a bear.
Have a Happy Easter if I don't see you here before then.

[2tiredmom]

Originally Posted by katcarasella

Hi, I don't think we have formally met, I'm Kat (aka Kathy) Is your name Linda?Yesterday I called you cecil and I apologize for that, I'm usually good with names.
Are you feeling better today? Stress can be a bear.
Have a Happy Easter if I don't see you here before then.

Hi Kat,
Great to meet you. My name is Linda, At work they call me Cecil. Things are ok,
Thanks for your input.. Happy Easter..

[DianaB]

Originally Posted by 2tiredmom

....... He owns property so Medicaid will not
do anything since he does.
Thanks again everyone.

You might need to check the laws but I think that Medicaid can come back up to 4 years and take property that's already been sold. I may be wrong on that because I haven't dealt with it myself but I know that there is some instance where that can be done, it might be if they're in the nursing home going on the state. Maybe some else knows about this.

[Tink]

Right Diana... I think it might vary from state to state. If I'm not mistaken it's 3 yrs here in Wisconsin.

[Janet]

You may want to check into selling the house and land and using that money for a nursing home near you, just in case. You'll need that money to take care of your dad no matter what, so I would really make sure your brother knows that if he wants to purchase it, he will have to pay the appraised price like everyone else. It's for your dad....not him.

I don't know that much about the Medicaid stuff, because I haven't had to go through it. My sister-in-law did all the work with that for my in-laws and it's all too confusing to me.

I can tell you that I've been doing tons of paperwork and applications dealing with things for my mom. A lot of applications ask, "has any property been transferred within the last 2 years". So yes, even if it's sold, there could still be repercussions.

One thing I forgot to mention-if his property is paid off (or close to paid off) he should probably be eligible for a reverse mortgage. You might want to check into that. His property could actually provide an income for him.