Not really sure how to go about this

[toodles]

I have a major problem in my relationship. I have NO sex drive. none at all. and I really, honestly think it is because I am just not attracted to my husband anymore. and it has been like this for a very very long time. we only have sex because HE wants to and I just live through it. it has been about a month since the last time we were intimate...and I finally broke down and gave into him last night. but I really was miserable the whole time. I hate that I am like this...but I really can't help it. I am just not turned on by him..and overall, not attracted to him. He has gained about 50 lbs in the last 2 years and he gains it in very unattractive ways. he has as big of a belly as I do at 6 months pregnant, he has as big of boobs as I do...and his neck has rolls. I know this sounds extremely mean...I would never say these things to him..but I do want to talk to him about his weight problem. he knows he has a problem because he only has 2 pairs of pants he can wear...barely wear....and he refuses to buy new ones because he "wants to lose weight." well..he does NOTHING to lose the weight. nothing at all. he eats anything and everything that is in sight. he doesn't walk, or do any consistent exercise at all.

but..I feel like I have no right to say anything to him because I'm not exactly fit myself. I am nowhere near as out of shape as he is...and a lot of my size is my belly...but before I got pregnant, I was about 15 lbs heavier than when we got married.

for Christmas, we bought an eliptical machine that we both swore on using. I haven't been using it because it really makes me very uncomfortable to do it. But I know he has no excuse. Let me also add, when we met, he used to walk his dog 3 miles EVERY day..rain or shine...no matter what. the minute he walked in the door from work, he would change his clothes and head out for a walk. he hasn't done that since we got together and claims he just doesn't have time. I'm sorry..but he has plenty of time. He has just gotten lazy.

anyway...any suggestions as to how I can talk to him about this? It is really affecting our relationship because I have no desire to be intimate with him. I don't even have a desire to cuddle with him. I wish I did...but I just don't.

[goofywife]

One of my dear friends was trying to get her husband to lose weight and change his diet. He just had a ruptured colon and almost died. It was his wake up call. He has now lost a lot of weight and is looking good.

You are in a tough position.

[Janet]

I wish I could help you sweetie, but I'm not in a good marriage to give any advice. Not because of this weight, there are many other reasons....many!

Maybe you could go walk with him, it would be healthy for you AND the baby. Maybe have the conversation with him that you want him to be around to see the kids grow up, and to be able to be fit enough to play with them.

Sorry, that's all I've got to offer right now.

[teri88]

Janet has a good point, make the exercise a couples thing and really stick to it. You don't have to tell your husband he's gained weight, believe me....he knows! I don't know how old your baby is, but it's not unusual to lose your sex drive after having a baby....you are tired and focused on the child. You need to turn your focus back on your relationship. You married this man, so you must have loved him at some point. Try reminding yourself why you fell in love in the first place. Every day find something positive to say to him. It might feel forced inthe begining but you'll be surprised how quickly it will become a habit. If you fell in love with him once, you can do it again. You really can! Good luck!

[toodles]

Originally Posted by teri88

Janet has a good point, make the exercise a couples thing and really stick to it. You don't have to tell your husband he's gained weight, believe me....he knows! I don't know how old your baby is, but it's not unusual to lose your sex drive after having a baby....you are tired and focused on the child. You need to turn your focus back on your relationship. You married this man, so you must have loved him at some point. Try reminding yourself why you fell in love in the first place. Every day find something positive to say to him. It might feel forced inthe begining but you'll be surprised how quickly it will become a habit. If you fell in love with him once, you can do it again. You really can! Good luck!

thank you

i have not had the baby yet...I am 6 months pregnant right now

[teri88]

Originally Posted by toodles

thank you

i have not had the baby yet...I am 6 months pregnant right now

oh girl, one word: HORMONES! You are going through so many changes, physically, emotionally, mentally. No wonder you are struggling. You'll be ok, just be patient and know that it gets better. It really does!

[celstu1]

I think you should just flat out tell him. I know you think its mean... but really, its meaner to keep him in the dark and keep living like this being miserable and hes probably miserable too. Sometimes its better to just get it out. Then start doing it together. Walk or talk to him while hes on the elliptical machine or something. You are physically not attracted to him, but do you enjoy being with him? His personality and sense of humor? That is a form of intimacy... so talk while hes on the elliptical .... maybe you'll gain back some intimacy that will increase your sex drive while hes working to lose weight.

Explain that you worry about his health too, especially with a child on the way. Good Luck!

[judy]

I agree - it probably is mostly hormonal. But, you might make a doctor's appointment for him for a check up. I'm sure the doctor will tell him that he has to lose weight. Then, you can blame his health and the doctor!

You can tell him that he's breathing funny when he sleeps, or some story like that as a reason for a check up.