sexless relationships

[HALEY]

Marylin, He did help me alot when the baby was born, i just guess the newness of the baby wore off! He was so happy when he found out i was pregnant then that wore off too, he only went to two doctors visits with me. and he was there when Micah was born... I sat home by myself for 9 months while he went out with his friends every weekend, and i'm still pissed about that today. that really hurt..
I do love Mike and i always will, i tryed to talk to him, tried yelling, bitching, nagging. nothing works he's in his own little world.
I was attracted to him in high school but we dated a couple years after that, Mike is very good looking man, somewhat of a bad boy, the Harley Davidson guy that i fell in love with, we both love to ride motorcycles. that's one of the reason i fell in love with him. we use to go out every weekend and have a blast with our friends, but you can't do that anymore when you have kids, i grew out of that lifestyle and he seems to not want to let it go! and i believe i got pregnant way too soon, on my honeymoon! it just went so fast, we were married then i was a mother, yes all you ladies were right there was no us time. plus taking on an old house remolding it. I try to make us time, go out to dinner, but he always calls his friends to meet up with us, and he knows that pisses me off. why he does it i don't know.. Were going to have a couple of days off and i will set some us time once again, to try and talk to him, and see what he wants to do... I am willing to try once again, but i need him to try too. well see what the weekend brings.

[teri88]

Haley you said the most important thing of all at the end of your last post:that you are willing to try and you need him to try too. It will take both of you to save this marriage if it's going to be saved. You guys really need to consider counceling. He has a lot of growing up to do and he's not going to listen to you, he needs to hear it from an "outsider".

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by teri88

Haley you said the most important thing of all at the end of your last post:that you are willing to try and you need him to try too. It will take both of you to save this marriage if it's going to be saved. You guys really need to consider counceling. He has a lot of growing up to do and he's not going to listen to you, he needs to hear it from an "outsider".

I do try Teri, but it seems like i'm the only one trying! it just gets so frustrating i just want to scream or pull all my hair out...

[Marilyn]

Haley, Sweetie, I'm going to hit you a bit hard here, so brace yourself. First, this needs to also be prefaced with the fact that you need to be discussing this with a councelor. Okay, here goes, did he want the old house to fix up, or did you? Did he agree to it because you wanted it so bad, not realizing what he was signing up for? And why do you have to completely give up your motorcycling lifestyle just because you have a child? You're available time to go out is greatly reduced by having a child, but you could schedule some time for Micah to stay with a sitter once in a while so you could go out on the scooter together. Just think how much better you would feel about life after spending some time on the back of your ride with the wind in your face and your arms around Mike. Micah is an amazing child, and you are being a very responsible mom. Building the relationship with his dad is part of your responsibility. If he were abusing you, or sleeping around, what I'm expressing here would not apply, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Look at this from his perspective. He married a fun gal that he enjoyed doing crazy biker things with and he got an old house with lots of time consuming work and a yard, a child, and a wife who is placing a lot demands on him. You've only been married two years. You have taken on responsibilities that stress much more mature relationships.

Just think about it. He has a lot of maturing to do. That's obvious!! but, try to look at it from his perspective, too.

I sincerely hope that you do get to spend some quality time together this weekend. Please let us know how it goes. And, please understand that my words come from a caring heart. If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. You and Mike are in my sincerest prayers.

[DianaB]

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

[Tink]

I have to join the other 50-something ladies here... We've been there, seen it, lived it and watched our friends go through it as well.
My husband drives semi, so is home maybe 1-2 days a week at most. Needless to say he's not been here helping with housework or child care as his job simply doesn't allow it. When he does get home the last thing he wants to do is go somewhere again, so our time together is usually spent at home together. He eats out all week, so his ideal is to have a home cooked meal and to be able to relax in front of the TV (which he doesn't see all week) or unwind with the puppies, catch up with the kids, and so on.

It would be SO easy for he and I to lose touch if we didn't truly work at it. I could resent his being gone and the fact that I was for the most part a single parent to the children HE so desperately wanted. Yet I know that he loves his profession and the freedom it affords him, and it was this independent yet loving man that I fell in love with, so it would be rather self-defeating to try to change him to fill my idea of a more helpful mate.
We live a very simple life, and I try not to ask too much of him when he is here. Rather, we try to just enjoy our time together and appreciate each other for who we are and support each others dreams. It's this that's kept us together when most of our friends have parted.

[jrsygal37]

I'm very closed mouth about my life and relationships but some how I guess when you are on a computer you feel almost anonymous. Maybe, this will help you Haley. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm roundin 40. Ouch that hurt. LOL. I married young 18 yrs. old. My husband is older then me and we have two beautiful boys who are now teen and pre-teen at 12 and 14. Time goes fast. Faster then you ever realize. And, one day you wake up and think back about what you should have done and how much you lost.

My husband was married before and well as I said I was young and obviously he was my first. He had his kids I wanted kids he didn't. I was young in love and really dumb. The first ten years I was married was bad. I tried hard to be what he wanted. Kept myself in shape, dressed as he liked, kept the house as he liked, never went out and just built my life around him and for him. He on the other hand liked having a young stupid "trophy" wife so he could have his cake and eat it too. He had night clubs and he had girlfriends. I made a big mistake. Instead of leaving him, I brought two little boys into the picture hoping it would make everything right. It didn't. He was still always at the clubs and he still had his girlfriends. You can't change who they are. If they are lazy they will be lazy all through your marriage. If they cheat they will always cheat all through your marriage until it stops working (LOL).

One day I woke up and realized the big mistakes I made. The first staying with him and the second bringing two innocent boys into a bad marriage and the third staying in the marriage because of the boys. And, it's funny one day he just became the husband I would have loved to have had yet, but it was too late. I changed and I moved on. I stopped sleeping in the bed with him years ago and even after he became the man I always wanted I found that I could not go back. It took a long time but I do love him but not as a wife should love her husband.

I'm different. I'm not the little girl I was and I realized that there was more to life then what I had with him. I live my own life. We live together but separate if you know what I mean and this is what I meant when I say that your son as he gets older will realize what is going on. My oldest does and it hurts me. I'm thankful that he never knew how his dad used to be, but sad at the same time because I'm the bad guy.

So, this is what I was trying to say when I said that you need to make sure that your marriage is over and if it is to end it completely because staying in a marriage for you son is not the way to go. In the long run it comes back and bites everyone on the butt. Elaine

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by DianaB

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

Diana, I think those two quotes really sum up what it takes to have a good marriage. I try so hard to be supportive to my husband, and when I put forth that little extra effort, I can see almost immediately that it comes back to me ten times as strong. When he feels loved and uplifted, it's much easier for him to think to do nice things like empty the dishwasher or start a load of laundry or write me a sweet note or plan a surprise. He always finds the sweetest way to thank me when I encourage him and the smile on his face, the light in his eyes when I make him feel loved is priceless!

Haley, my suggestion to you (on top of the many wonderful suggestions you've already received) is to find a new way to show him that you love him. Let him see your effort and let him know that you are doing it because you want HIM to feel loved and special. When he sees your effort and love for him, it might just make him want to try harder to make your marriage work. I think there's an old song that says "love isn't love until you give it away." How true is that!

[judy]

Haley,

I'm going to keep my feelings out of this thread. Having been divorced twice, I don't want to participate in the flow of the thread.

I do want to say though that I am praying for the best possible outcome for all of you.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Marilyn

Haley, Sweetie, I'm going to hit you a bit hard here, so brace yourself. First, this needs to also be prefaced with the fact that you need to be discussing this with a councelor. Okay, here goes, did he want the old house to fix up, or did you? Did he agree to it because you wanted it so bad, not realizing what he was signing up for? And why do you have to completely give up your motorcycling lifestyle just because you have a child? You're available time to go out is greatly reduced by having a child, but you could schedule some time for Micah to stay with a sitter once in a while so you could go out on the scooter together. Just think how much better you would feel about life after spending some time on the back of your ride with the wind in your face and your arms around Mike. Micah is an amazing child, and you are being a very responsible mom. Building the relationship with his dad is part of your responsibility. If he were abusing you, or sleeping around, what I'm expressing here would not apply, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Look at this from his perspective. He married a fun gal that he enjoyed doing crazy biker things with and he got an old house with lots of time consuming work and a yard, a child, and a wife who is placing a lot demands on him. You've only been married two years. You have taken on responsibilities that stress much more mature relationships.

Just think about it. He has a lot of maturing to do. That's obvious!! but, try to look at it from his perspective, too.

I sincerely hope that you do get to spend some quality time together this weekend. Please let us know how it goes. And, please understand that my words come from a caring heart. If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. You and Mike are in my sincerest prayers.

The house i bought on my own Marlyin when Mike and i were broke up, it was an estate sale and it was in my budget at the time, as for fixing it up, i spend almost my entire savings doing it myself with the help of some very good friends. When Mike and i got back together that's when he started helping me fix the house up, and there not to much more that needs to be done, if Mike would do it! I can't get him to do anything! When i save some money for the kitchen and bathroom i will hire people to finish the house if that's the way he wants to be. I learned my lesson on the house stuff.
As for riding the motorcyle, the reason it has been sitting in the garage all summer is Mike is on his Second DUI and he has an interlock in my car and i had to surender the motorcycle plates! cause he refuses to Grow up and act like an adult when he rides the bike he hooks up with his friends and can't control his drinking and driving, he gets his lis. back August 8th and i am so affraid he'll do it again, and i'm so sick of bitching at him, he knows the next time he gets caught he'll spend a year in jail, and that's were he will stay unless his mother gets him out. I refuse to put anymore of my hard earned money into a nother DUI, i already spent borrowed money off my family invested 4,000 in getting him out of trouble sick to death of it.... Yes i love to ride but i can't afford to ride with him...
I really didn't want to get into all this, but i didn't want to look or sound like such a nag all the time, but this is the reason i bitch so much, i scared he'll go back to jail again... he's an alcoholic and he knows it...

[Marilyn]

Originally Posted by HALEY

The house i bought on my own Marlyin when Mike and i were broke up, it was an estate sale and it was in my budget at the time, as for fixing it up, i spend almost my entire savings doing it myself with the help of some very good friends. When Mike and i got back together that's when he started helping me fix the house up, and there not to much more that needs to be done, if Mike would do it! I can't get him to do anything! When i save some money for the kitchen and bathroom i will hire people to finish the house if that's the way he wants to be. I learned my lesson on the house stuff.
As for riding the motorcyle, the reason it has been sitting in the garage all summer is Mike is on his Second DUI and he has an interlock in my car and i had to surender the motorcycle plates! cause he refuses to Grow up and act like an adult when he rides the bike he hooks up with his friends and can't control his drinking and driving, he gets his lis. back August 8th and i am so affraid he'll do it again, and i'm so sick of bitching at him, he knows the next time he gets caught he'll spend a year in jail, and that's were he will stay unless his mother gets him out. I refuse to put anymore of my hard earned money into a nother DUI, i already spent borrowed money off my family invested 4,000 in getting him out of trouble sick to death of it.... Yes i love to ride but i can't afford to ride with him...
I really didn't want to get into all this, but i didn't want to look or sound like such a nag all the time, but this is the reason i bitch so much, i scared he'll go back to jail again... he's an alcoholic and he knows it...

Wow, Haley. Sounds like you are a very ambitious and driven young lady to take on a house like this on your own. Also sounds like he came into this with his eyes wide open. I would have never guessed that he had a suspended license and DUI's. You said previously that he is getting a company truck this summer. I drive a company truck, but if I have more than two moving violations in 7 years, I am repremanded and in danger of losing the truck. My company does full background checks and a DUI will prevent you from driving a vehicle for a minimum of 7 years, so there would be no way anyone with a suspended license and two DUI's would ever get a company truck until at least 2015, and that would be after they had stayed clean that long.

Haley, if I spoke inappropriately, please accept my most sincere apologies. With the information available, I drew some inappropriate conclusions.

Not sure what I'd do in your position. You are in a really tough spot. My very best wishes and prayers are with you.

[HALEY]

Don't worry about it marylin, i knew what i was getting into, the promises that he would stop drinking, etc. he did stop drinking for 6 months after the baby was born and he is working so much now that he don't have the time to drink and can't drink and drive with and interlock in my car.
As for the company truck his boss is no angell when it comes to Dui's he has 3 of them,,, so Mike will get the truck when he gets his lisc. back he needs to bring it to the office so they can make a copy of it.. his boss knows Mikes driving record.
I also have a company truck and i would be fired if i had a dui under my belt i guess guys are different i also see that in my company! they just get a slap on the hand...
My mother also had a bad marriage and told us girls to never depend on a man! if we want something to go get it ourselves, i use to work everyday, weekends bartending for the downpayment on my house and i was so proud of myself the day i closed on my house, that was the second best day of my life, my first of coarse was the birth of my son!
I am hard on Mike but for many good reason, there is a good hard working man and father in him. He just needs to grow up before he looses everything including his son... I just didn't want you guys to think i was a nag or a bitch there are reasons for my madness...
Mike was a spoiled child, he had everything handed to him or when he got into trouble his aunt was always there to bail him out. Well those days are over! If he gets into trouble now, he knows he'll loose everything. I'm just sick of being a babysitter when we go out, he's not a social drinking, he likes to drink until he's drunk and you can't get on a motorcycle in that condition, somedays i just don't know how the hell he made it home sometimes alive...