sexless relationships

[Marilyn]

Haley, Sweetie, I'm going to hit you a bit hard here, so brace yourself. First, this needs to also be prefaced with the fact that you need to be discussing this with a councelor. Okay, here goes, did he want the old house to fix up, or did you? Did he agree to it because you wanted it so bad, not realizing what he was signing up for? And why do you have to completely give up your motorcycling lifestyle just because you have a child? You're available time to go out is greatly reduced by having a child, but you could schedule some time for Micah to stay with a sitter once in a while so you could go out on the scooter together. Just think how much better you would feel about life after spending some time on the back of your ride with the wind in your face and your arms around Mike. Micah is an amazing child, and you are being a very responsible mom. Building the relationship with his dad is part of your responsibility. If he were abusing you, or sleeping around, what I'm expressing here would not apply, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Look at this from his perspective. He married a fun gal that he enjoyed doing crazy biker things with and he got an old house with lots of time consuming work and a yard, a child, and a wife who is placing a lot demands on him. You've only been married two years. You have taken on responsibilities that stress much more mature relationships.

Just think about it. He has a lot of maturing to do. That's obvious!! but, try to look at it from his perspective, too.

I sincerely hope that you do get to spend some quality time together this weekend. Please let us know how it goes. And, please understand that my words come from a caring heart. If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. You and Mike are in my sincerest prayers.

[DianaB]

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

[Tink]

I have to join the other 50-something ladies here... We've been there, seen it, lived it and watched our friends go through it as well.
My husband drives semi, so is home maybe 1-2 days a week at most. Needless to say he's not been here helping with housework or child care as his job simply doesn't allow it. When he does get home the last thing he wants to do is go somewhere again, so our time together is usually spent at home together. He eats out all week, so his ideal is to have a home cooked meal and to be able to relax in front of the TV (which he doesn't see all week) or unwind with the puppies, catch up with the kids, and so on.

It would be SO easy for he and I to lose touch if we didn't truly work at it. I could resent his being gone and the fact that I was for the most part a single parent to the children HE so desperately wanted. Yet I know that he loves his profession and the freedom it affords him, and it was this independent yet loving man that I fell in love with, so it would be rather self-defeating to try to change him to fill my idea of a more helpful mate.
We live a very simple life, and I try not to ask too much of him when he is here. Rather, we try to just enjoy our time together and appreciate each other for who we are and support each others dreams. It's this that's kept us together when most of our friends have parted.

[jrsygal37]

I'm very closed mouth about my life and relationships but some how I guess when you are on a computer you feel almost anonymous. Maybe, this will help you Haley. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm roundin 40. Ouch that hurt. LOL. I married young 18 yrs. old. My husband is older then me and we have two beautiful boys who are now teen and pre-teen at 12 and 14. Time goes fast. Faster then you ever realize. And, one day you wake up and think back about what you should have done and how much you lost.

My husband was married before and well as I said I was young and obviously he was my first. He had his kids I wanted kids he didn't. I was young in love and really dumb. The first ten years I was married was bad. I tried hard to be what he wanted. Kept myself in shape, dressed as he liked, kept the house as he liked, never went out and just built my life around him and for him. He on the other hand liked having a young stupid "trophy" wife so he could have his cake and eat it too. He had night clubs and he had girlfriends. I made a big mistake. Instead of leaving him, I brought two little boys into the picture hoping it would make everything right. It didn't. He was still always at the clubs and he still had his girlfriends. You can't change who they are. If they are lazy they will be lazy all through your marriage. If they cheat they will always cheat all through your marriage until it stops working (LOL).

One day I woke up and realized the big mistakes I made. The first staying with him and the second bringing two innocent boys into a bad marriage and the third staying in the marriage because of the boys. And, it's funny one day he just became the husband I would have loved to have had yet, but it was too late. I changed and I moved on. I stopped sleeping in the bed with him years ago and even after he became the man I always wanted I found that I could not go back. It took a long time but I do love him but not as a wife should love her husband.

I'm different. I'm not the little girl I was and I realized that there was more to life then what I had with him. I live my own life. We live together but separate if you know what I mean and this is what I meant when I say that your son as he gets older will realize what is going on. My oldest does and it hurts me. I'm thankful that he never knew how his dad used to be, but sad at the same time because I'm the bad guy.

So, this is what I was trying to say when I said that you need to make sure that your marriage is over and if it is to end it completely because staying in a marriage for you son is not the way to go. In the long run it comes back and bites everyone on the butt. Elaine

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by DianaB

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

Diana, I think those two quotes really sum up what it takes to have a good marriage. I try so hard to be supportive to my husband, and when I put forth that little extra effort, I can see almost immediately that it comes back to me ten times as strong. When he feels loved and uplifted, it's much easier for him to think to do nice things like empty the dishwasher or start a load of laundry or write me a sweet note or plan a surprise. He always finds the sweetest way to thank me when I encourage him and the smile on his face, the light in his eyes when I make him feel loved is priceless!

Haley, my suggestion to you (on top of the many wonderful suggestions you've already received) is to find a new way to show him that you love him. Let him see your effort and let him know that you are doing it because you want HIM to feel loved and special. When he sees your effort and love for him, it might just make him want to try harder to make your marriage work. I think there's an old song that says "love isn't love until you give it away." How true is that!

[judy]

Haley,

I'm going to keep my feelings out of this thread. Having been divorced twice, I don't want to participate in the flow of the thread.

I do want to say though that I am praying for the best possible outcome for all of you.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by judy

Haley,

I'm going to keep my feelings out of this thread. Having been divorced twice, I don't want to participate in the flow of the thread.

I do want to say though that I am praying for the best possible outcome for all of you.

I wish I would have thought of that!!! Next time in this kind of thread, I'm gonna run it past you first...LOL

[judy]

Originally Posted by Janet

I wish I would have thought of that!!! Next time in this kind of thread, I'm gonna run it past you first...LOL

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Marilyn

Haley, Sweetie, I'm going to hit you a bit hard here, so brace yourself. First, this needs to also be prefaced with the fact that you need to be discussing this with a councelor. Okay, here goes, did he want the old house to fix up, or did you? Did he agree to it because you wanted it so bad, not realizing what he was signing up for? And why do you have to completely give up your motorcycling lifestyle just because you have a child? You're available time to go out is greatly reduced by having a child, but you could schedule some time for Micah to stay with a sitter once in a while so you could go out on the scooter together. Just think how much better you would feel about life after spending some time on the back of your ride with the wind in your face and your arms around Mike. Micah is an amazing child, and you are being a very responsible mom. Building the relationship with his dad is part of your responsibility. If he were abusing you, or sleeping around, what I'm expressing here would not apply, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Look at this from his perspective. He married a fun gal that he enjoyed doing crazy biker things with and he got an old house with lots of time consuming work and a yard, a child, and a wife who is placing a lot demands on him. You've only been married two years. You have taken on responsibilities that stress much more mature relationships.

Just think about it. He has a lot of maturing to do. That's obvious!! but, try to look at it from his perspective, too.

I sincerely hope that you do get to spend some quality time together this weekend. Please let us know how it goes. And, please understand that my words come from a caring heart. If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. You and Mike are in my sincerest prayers.

The house i bought on my own Marlyin when Mike and i were broke up, it was an estate sale and it was in my budget at the time, as for fixing it up, i spend almost my entire savings doing it myself with the help of some very good friends. When Mike and i got back together that's when he started helping me fix the house up, and there not to much more that needs to be done, if Mike would do it! I can't get him to do anything! When i save some money for the kitchen and bathroom i will hire people to finish the house if that's the way he wants to be. I learned my lesson on the house stuff.
As for riding the motorcyle, the reason it has been sitting in the garage all summer is Mike is on his Second DUI and he has an interlock in my car and i had to surender the motorcycle plates! cause he refuses to Grow up and act like an adult when he rides the bike he hooks up with his friends and can't control his drinking and driving, he gets his lis. back August 8th and i am so affraid he'll do it again, and i'm so sick of bitching at him, he knows the next time he gets caught he'll spend a year in jail, and that's were he will stay unless his mother gets him out. I refuse to put anymore of my hard earned money into a nother DUI, i already spent borrowed money off my family invested 4,000 in getting him out of trouble sick to death of it.... Yes i love to ride but i can't afford to ride with him...
I really didn't want to get into all this, but i didn't want to look or sound like such a nag all the time, but this is the reason i bitch so much, i scared he'll go back to jail again... he's an alcoholic and he knows it...

[Marilyn]

Originally Posted by HALEY

The house i bought on my own Marlyin when Mike and i were broke up, it was an estate sale and it was in my budget at the time, as for fixing it up, i spend almost my entire savings doing it myself with the help of some very good friends. When Mike and i got back together that's when he started helping me fix the house up, and there not to much more that needs to be done, if Mike would do it! I can't get him to do anything! When i save some money for the kitchen and bathroom i will hire people to finish the house if that's the way he wants to be. I learned my lesson on the house stuff.
As for riding the motorcyle, the reason it has been sitting in the garage all summer is Mike is on his Second DUI and he has an interlock in my car and i had to surender the motorcycle plates! cause he refuses to Grow up and act like an adult when he rides the bike he hooks up with his friends and can't control his drinking and driving, he gets his lis. back August 8th and i am so affraid he'll do it again, and i'm so sick of bitching at him, he knows the next time he gets caught he'll spend a year in jail, and that's were he will stay unless his mother gets him out. I refuse to put anymore of my hard earned money into a nother DUI, i already spent borrowed money off my family invested 4,000 in getting him out of trouble sick to death of it.... Yes i love to ride but i can't afford to ride with him...
I really didn't want to get into all this, but i didn't want to look or sound like such a nag all the time, but this is the reason i bitch so much, i scared he'll go back to jail again... he's an alcoholic and he knows it...

Wow, Haley. Sounds like you are a very ambitious and driven young lady to take on a house like this on your own. Also sounds like he came into this with his eyes wide open. I would have never guessed that he had a suspended license and DUI's. You said previously that he is getting a company truck this summer. I drive a company truck, but if I have more than two moving violations in 7 years, I am repremanded and in danger of losing the truck. My company does full background checks and a DUI will prevent you from driving a vehicle for a minimum of 7 years, so there would be no way anyone with a suspended license and two DUI's would ever get a company truck until at least 2015, and that would be after they had stayed clean that long.

Haley, if I spoke inappropriately, please accept my most sincere apologies. With the information available, I drew some inappropriate conclusions.

Not sure what I'd do in your position. You are in a really tough spot. My very best wishes and prayers are with you.

[HALEY]

Don't worry about it marylin, i knew what i was getting into, the promises that he would stop drinking, etc. he did stop drinking for 6 months after the baby was born and he is working so much now that he don't have the time to drink and can't drink and drive with and interlock in my car.
As for the company truck his boss is no angell when it comes to Dui's he has 3 of them,,, so Mike will get the truck when he gets his lisc. back he needs to bring it to the office so they can make a copy of it.. his boss knows Mikes driving record.
I also have a company truck and i would be fired if i had a dui under my belt i guess guys are different i also see that in my company! they just get a slap on the hand...
My mother also had a bad marriage and told us girls to never depend on a man! if we want something to go get it ourselves, i use to work everyday, weekends bartending for the downpayment on my house and i was so proud of myself the day i closed on my house, that was the second best day of my life, my first of coarse was the birth of my son!
I am hard on Mike but for many good reason, there is a good hard working man and father in him. He just needs to grow up before he looses everything including his son... I just didn't want you guys to think i was a nag or a bitch there are reasons for my madness...
Mike was a spoiled child, he had everything handed to him or when he got into trouble his aunt was always there to bail him out. Well those days are over! If he gets into trouble now, he knows he'll loose everything. I'm just sick of being a babysitter when we go out, he's not a social drinking, he likes to drink until he's drunk and you can't get on a motorcycle in that condition, somedays i just don't know how the hell he made it home sometimes alive...

[judy]

Haley,

When my SIL was drinking, I went to Alanon. I ended up going for 2 years, and I learned so much, and met the most wonderful people.

Some of them left the person who was drinking, and some didn't. The point of Alanon is not whether you stay or leave the alcoholic. It's really how you live your own life, and how to make good choices.

I really recommend it.

[jrsygal37]

Haley. Just so you know the alcohol can be a factor in why he is not interested in having sex. When I answered your post I stated another women but I did not have all the facts then. If he has an alcohol problem I would bet this is why he is acting as he is. If you truly love him and you believe he's a good man with a problem then I would force his hand to get help. If he refuses help then leave him. Sometimes and alcholic has to hit rock bottom and lose it all before he realizes he has a problem. I wish you both the best. Elaine

[goofywife]

Hmm to post or not to post in this thread.

Hold on to your coffee cup. I have been married 3 times. So, maybe I am not the best person to offer advice.

The first one hit me. The third time he did it, I put him in the hospital and got a divorce.

The second one, cheated on me (with his first wife) and caught VD. I prayed and cried. It was not something I could live with. I was afraid that I would catch Aids from him.

The third one is a charm. He is a very dear man. Yep he can be a butt head sometimes, but we think alike. We have now been married for 14 years. We have a deal, he takes care of the outside and all of the home repairs, I clean the house and cook. Sometimes if I am working overtime, he jumps in and helps me. If he is working on a big repair, I jump in and help him. Its a partnership and I consider him to be my best friend. I love him unconditionally. We both feel complete when we are together.

The hardest part of our marriage was my daughter. She did not adjust to the divorces nor new marriage very well, and really rebelled as a teenager. She was fine until 14. Then all hell broke loose.

Its amazing we all managed to come through it and have a great relationship with each other. I truely feel it was God's doing. We gave her to him, and said we have done what we can. She came around (of course it took a few years). She has told us, I don't know why I did the things I did. She also counsels other girls to listen to their parents. (I know amazing)

Either way, stay together in a horrible marriage or divorce. Its hard on the kids. But you have to know that someday, Micah will leave and go out on his own. Where will you be? Where will you have spent your time? will you be happy with the decisions you made? Who will be there for you?

Anyhow this is about you and what you are going to do.

You have been given all kinds of advice. Bottom line. You have to decide what is best for you! What behavior in a husband is acceptable to you. Who you think you can grow old with. You don't want to wait until you are old to decide you made a mistake and wasted your life.

Thanks thats all the advice I will give.

Michelle