abusive relationship help

[Tink]

I'm sorry Betty, I don't mean to make you feel I'm attacking you.
I don't often dwell on this because it's SO in the past... but if it might help you, let me tell you my experience.

I was married at age 18 to a man who was 21. We had a premature baby 6 months later. Before she was even born he began cheating on me. While I was pregnant he threw me around like a ragdoll and told me I was too ugly to be seen in public with, etc. He would go out on dates and come back home to tell me who he'd been with, where they'd gone, whether she put out and how I ranked in bed compared to her. So I really don't think anyone can claim to feel much more betrayed, abused and hurt than I was during that time.

I lived like that for 7 LONG years. I felt like I'd made my choice and was stuck with it.
The day I finally threw him out was the day he turned his anger and abuse on our daughter. He picked her up by her ankle, dangled her in the air with one hand and spanked her while yelling wildy. If ever I've wanted to kill someone, that was the time.

Abuse escalates. First you're being verbally abused, then slapped, then slugged and kicked. It doesn't get better or go away on it's own and it's one heck of a poor environment to raise children in. It really doesn't change anything that you were angry or hurt or that he's bigger or stronger and should be able to protect himself. When you love someone you simply don't treat them that way.

I've been with my current husband for 26 yrs and believe me there have been times we've both been very angry with each other. But neither of us has ever hit or pushed the other. It's simply not acceptable behavior and it's a springboard to much worse. It's as bad for you to be hitting him as it is for him to hit you. The bruises heal... the metal pain is much harder to see and heal.

ANYONE who cannot deal with their anger without turning physically or verbally abusive needs to find help for it. Gender and circumstances really aren't the issue. Lack of self control is.

thank you tink.. i know you werent attacking me but thank you for sharing your story i bet that was hard.. im so glad you found someone better..

the thing is i know we both love each other.. i dont think i can move on.. ive tried.. and okay i wouldnt mind going to anger management with him but is it worth it do you think? can someone really be "changed" with those courses?

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by bettyboop

thank you tink.. i know you werent attacking me but thank you for sharing your story i bet that was hard.. im so glad you found someone better..

the thing is i know we both love each other.. i dont think i can move on.. ive tried.. and okay i wouldnt mind going to anger management with him but is it worth it do you think? can someone really be "changed" with those courses?

You say you are not 'that girl' with no friends, no life, etc... but you are not thinking rationally, you are thinking with the mentalility of someone young, and also like someone who is abused. You may not like to hear that, but its the truth. You are 23, you went 5 - 6 months without him in almost 5 years. You have NO idea what a YEAR away from him would feel like, or two. You have NO idea how good a relationship CAN be, you didn't even let yourself get over him before you got back together with him. You THINK you can't live without him but you never tried. 5 - 6 months is not trying, its surviving the pain, not getting over it yet.

When I was 19 I met a boy and dated him for almost 10 years. He helped me through some of the worst times of my life. My family is broken also in the worst ways, I was soo young and sooo vulnerable and niave, I fell sooooo hard for him. For almost 10 years he was verbally abusive. He called me names all the time, he would threaten to leave me all the time, he broke up with me 3x for 9 months each time. Still I was ready to take him back EVERY SINGLE TIME ... because I LOVED HIM?!?!?!

When he broke up with me for the last time, we were engaged, owned a home and were planning the wedding. It took me 10 years to realize that a) he never truely loved me, not if he could hurt me as bad as he did over the years and b) I never really truely loved him, I was obsessed with him, indebted to him, for keeping me around when I was a failure from a broken home and messed up in the head (was my thoughts at the time) and obsessed because he helped me be less niave. He helped me get the 'jokes' and the 'slang' other people used, he taught me about politics, sports, etc... how to carry a conversation with adults, he held me when I cried so hard from what my life was becoming, how scared I was. He was my world. I was obsessed.... but not in love. I was insecure.

He NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, raised a hand to me. I could see him get sooo angry sometimes he would walk away, but never ever hit me, push me, nothing. I never raised a hand to him either. No matter what, we, people, NEVER have the right, no matter what happened, no matter how angry we are, to TOUCH another person in a harmful way. Even if your fists can't hurt him bc you think you are not strong enough or not big enough it does not matter.

NO doubt about it, breaking up for good WILL HURT. No way around that. Something you gotta face, do and deal with. But once you are over it, him, you will be soooooo much happier. Im sure your friends would be more than willing to talk with you about your family issues, maybe they dont want to do it everyday all day for years but if you need to talk, if they are any kind of friend, they will listen. I also HIGHLY suggest you go to therapy. Don't feel ashamed! Many many MANY women go to therapy to help them come to terms with what they know they NEED to do and how hard it will be. A therapist will help give you a game plan on how to deal with this breakup and your other family issues, will also justify your feelings and help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good Luck to you if you stay with this boy, its going to be a LONG hard life for you, he needs help and you both are destructive to each other and yourselves.

I did not mean to sound harsh, but its a lot easier hearing blunt truth than taking a fist to the face or a kick to the back again. And it will happen again.

(((HUGS))) to you.

Originally Posted by celstu1

You say you are not 'that girl' with no friends, no life, etc... but you are not thinking rationally, you are thinking with the mentalility of someone young, and also like someone who is abused. You may not like to hear that, but its the truth. You are 23, you went 5 - 6 months without him in almost 5 years. You have NO idea what a YEAR away from him would feel like, or two. You have NO idea how good a relationship CAN be, you didn't even let yourself get over him before you got back together with him. You THINK you can't live without him but you never tried. 5 - 6 months is not trying, its surviving the pain, not getting over it yet.

When I was 19 I met a boy and dated him for almost 10 years. He helped me through some of the worst times of my life. My family is broken also in the worst ways, I was soo young and sooo vulnerable and niave, I fell sooooo hard for him. For almost 10 years he was verbally abusive. He called me names all the time, he would threaten to leave me all the time, he broke up with me 3x for 9 months each time. Still I was ready to take him back EVERY SINGLE TIME ... because I LOVED HIM?!?!?!

When he broke up with me for the last time, we were engaged, owned a home and were planning the wedding. It took me 10 years to realize that a) he never truely loved me, not if he could hurt me as bad as he did over the years and b) I never really truely loved him, I was obsessed with him, indebted to him, for keeping me around when I was a failure from a broken home and messed up in the head (was my thoughts at the time) and obsessed because he helped me be less niave. He helped me get the 'jokes' and the 'slang' other people used, he taught me about politics, sports, etc... how to carry a conversation with adults, he held me when I cried so hard from what my life was becoming, how scared I was. He was my world. I was obsessed.... but not in love. I was insecure.

He NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, raised a hand to me. I could see him get sooo angry sometimes he would walk away, but never ever hit me, push me, nothing. I never raised a hand to him either. No matter what, we, people, NEVER have the right, no matter what happened, no matter how angry we are, to TOUCH another person in a harmful way. Even if your fists can't hurt him bc you think you are not strong enough or not big enough it does not matter.

NO doubt about it, breaking up for good WILL HURT. No way around that. Something you gotta face, do and deal with. But once you are over it, him, you will be soooooo much happier. Im sure your friends would be more than willing to talk with you about your family issues, maybe they dont want to do it everyday all day for years but if you need to talk, if they are any kind of friend, they will listen. I also HIGHLY suggest you go to therapy. Don't feel ashamed! Many many MANY women go to therapy to help them come to terms with what they know they NEED to do and how hard it will be. A therapist will help give you a game plan on how to deal with this breakup and your other family issues, will also justify your feelings and help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good Luck to you if you stay with this boy, its going to be a LONG hard life for you, he needs help and you both are destructive to each other and yourselves.

I did not mean to sound harsh, but its a lot easier hearing blunt truth than taking a fist to the face or a kick to the back again. And it will happen again.

(((HUGS))) to you.

Your relationship sounded a lot like mine except except for the emotional abuse.. i guess ive been thinking a lot like you.. with the "if he really loved me he wouldnt do this" but the thing is i know he really does.. hes done things like come to my place like 3 in the morning to help me because i was so lost on what to do even though he had to get up early the next day.. things like that. but then he goes around with the physical stuff which totally throws me off guard.

the thing with my family.. its so bad.. honestly its one of those messed up things you only hear on oprah.. i could never tell my friends, not even my best friends.. not because they arent good friends but its too much of a burden for them to know. plus my family has a good reputation- well known, well off.. theres no way id let ppl know. and im NOT making excuses.. i wouldnt mind telling it to a therapist but definitely not my friends. they have been bugging me about it for a long time but yeah.. i would like to go to a therapist to talk it out about some things but i really am trying to save up money to move out of my house (away from my family) first and there is no way i can do it while affording a therapist.

so i dont know right now.. my emotions are still running everywhere.. i am definitely at least taking a break from him for the time being. thanks for sharing your story.. its giving me a different perspective on things.

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by bettyboop

Your relationship sounded a lot like mine except except for the emotional abuse.. i guess ive been thinking a lot like you.. with the "if he really loved me he wouldnt do this" but the thing is i know he really does.. hes done things like come to my place like 3 in the morning to help me because i was so lost on what to do even though he had to get up early the next day.. things like that. but then he goes around with the physical stuff which totally throws me off guard.

the thing with my family.. its so bad.. honestly its one of those messed up things you only hear on oprah.. i could never tell my friends, not even my best friends.. not because they arent good friends but its too much of a burden for them to know. plus my family has a good reputation- well known, well off.. theres no way id let ppl know. and im NOT making excuses.. i wouldnt mind telling it to a therapist but definitely not my friends. they have been bugging me about it for a long time but yeah.. i would like to go to a therapist to talk it out about some things but i really am trying to save up money to move out of my house (away from my family) first and there is no way i can do it while affording a therapist.

so i dont know right now.. my emotions are still running everywhere.. i am definitely at least taking a break from him for the time being. thanks for sharing your story.. its giving me a different perspective on things.

I am very glad you are listening to everyone and their stories and opinions. Its important to see this from all angles. I think that in your case, as well as mine, there is a fine line between love and obsession. Make sure its love.

Him coming at 3am does not constitute love, my ex did wonderful things for me through the years, but the overall picture told a different story. I guess in his own messed up way he loved me. He probably loved me more than he'll ever love anyone else, but still not enough to sustain a relationship forever. Make sure you SEE this.

After we broke up, I bought my own house, new car, am back in college to finally finish my degree. He bought me a coach pocketbook one time (nice right??) and then said "it will probably be the only one you'll ever have cuz you can't afford them" ... haha well I have 3 now, and 2 I bought myself. Thats not the point though I guess his 'presents and gifts and kindnesses' came at a cost to my self-esteem. Back then I thought "Hes so great to do this for me or that for me" but looking back I realized all I had to put up for those little moments of kindness.

I met a GREAT guy earlier this year, we've been together 8 months now. Hes PERFECT for me. I LOVE HIM sooo much I can't picture my life without him. YET, i know if he were to walk I wouldn't die. I wouldn't fall apart. He is not my other half, he does not complete me. I took MANY MANY years to complete myself. He makes me stronger, he makes me kinder, he makes me softer, he accentuates ME. He makes my life BETTER. I make my life whole and complete. This is sooo important (in my opinion) to remember. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to people. Two wholes make a healthy, happy, wonderful relationship! Become whole on your own. Realize your worth. When yo do that and you still want this guy, then go for it. But if he does not improve on himself while you do then you won't want him anymore, guarantee that! (((HUGS)))

[DianaB]

Very well said!!!

Originally Posted by celstu1

I am very glad you are listening to everyone and their stories and opinions. Its important to see this from all angles. I think that in your case, as well as mine, there is a fine line between love and obsession. Make sure its love.

Him coming at 3am does not constitute love, my ex did wonderful things for me through the years, but the overall picture told a different story. I guess in his own messed up way he loved me. He probably loved me more than he'll ever love anyone else, but still not enough to sustain a relationship forever. Make sure you SEE this.

After we broke up, I bought my own house, new car, am back in college to finally finish my degree. He bought me a coach pocketbook one time (nice right??) and then said "it will probably be the only one you'll ever have cuz you can't afford them" ... haha well I have 3 now, and 2 I bought myself. Thats not the point though I guess his 'presents and gifts and kindnesses' came at a cost to my self-esteem. Back then I thought "Hes so great to do this for me or that for me" but looking back I realized all I had to put up for those little moments of kindness.

I met a GREAT guy earlier this year, we've been together 8 months now. Hes PERFECT for me. I LOVE HIM sooo much I can't picture my life without him. YET, i know if he were to walk I wouldn't die. I wouldn't fall apart. He is not my other half, he does not complete me. I took MANY MANY years to complete myself. He makes me stronger, he makes me kinder, he makes me softer, he accentuates ME. He makes my life BETTER. I make my life whole and complete. This is sooo important (in my opinion) to remember. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to people. Two wholes make a healthy, happy, wonderful relationship! Become whole on your own. Realize your worth. When yo do that and you still want this guy, then go for it. But if he does not improve on himself while you do then you won't want him anymore, guarantee that! (((HUGS)))

while i agree with you on many things, im going to have to disagree with you on the 3 am thing.. that is a sign of love because he would never do that for anyone else other than his family.. doing sacrifices like that shows signs of love IMO.. would you wake up at 3am and drive 30 minutes to someones place just to comfort them in their time of need? the answer is prob no unless you really cared about the person otherwise you might just comfort them over the phone (well thats me anyway..). i was just giving little examples of what hes done.. hes done a lot of other huge things for me (just like im sure your ex did for you).

You said: "I guess in his own messed up way he loved me. He probably loved me more than he'll ever love anyone else, but still not enough to sustain a relationship forever. Make sure you SEE this."

This is true for me as well and I am definitely thinking about things youve said.. so thanks once again.

[Janet]

celstu1 ......What wonderful advice you gave in Post 31.

Wish you the best with this bettyboop

[Gina]

I read your thread quickly this morning , I didn't realize that you slapped him also. I have to agree with Tink . NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on anyone.. I have many friends whom their husbands have cheated, and yet the wives never touched their husbands. Poor excuse.. sorry.

[Gina]

BTW Welcome to 4wt.

[Tink]

We can change ANY behavior we truly want to change. We might have learned to be one way.... but we can choose to relearn a better way if we just decide to do so. ALL of us have issues that we have to work on at different times. You're not alone by any means.

Coming out of the kind of marriage I had the first time around, the odds were against my having a truly good one the next time. As you can imagine, it took me a long time to learn to trust again and to have any self esteem. The man I've been with for 26 yrs is a semi driver, so is only home one - two days a week and I seriously do not worry about what he's doing while he's gone. It was my ex that cheated right under my nose and bragged about it... I know this man is faithful and decent and I can't hold him responsible for what the other idiot did. I doubt I've gotten any better looking with age, but Greg totally accepts me as I am and I no longer hear that "you're not good enough; you're too ugly" echoing in my brain. It doesn't happen overnight but it can happen.

But it took effort to come to this point.

Originally Posted by Gina

I read your thread quickly this morning , I didn't realize that you slapped him also. I have to agree with Tink . NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on anyone.. I have many friends whom their husbands have cheated, and yet the wives never touched their husbands. Poor excuse.. sorry.

IMO i think the wives just didnt care about their husbands then.. im not saying hitting someone means u care but when you invest everything you have into someone and having them betray you in the worst way possible, im sorry but all of my friends said he deserved a slap and asked if i did. im sure if i told you what exactly happened (not going to go into it) you might understand. i think this is just a controversial topic just like spanking kids.. some think its wrong, others think its necessary. and just for the record i never slapped anyone before.

[pope1982]

Let's see how quick before my advice offends someone....
In all fairness, you knew the guy was jealous and you knew you had dated other men in the time you had off. What did you think it would be like to come back? People don't change over night, we are all human not saints.
I think you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I think the jealousy with your help and patience is something he will grow out of. Up to you if you plan on sticking by his side and helping him through it. Unfortunately, you live what you learn is the case in most instances. Have you met his family, does his mom at least put on the polite show or appearing normal?

He obviously has some deep routed issues, have you tried to set your emotions aside and have a conversation with him about where it is all coming from? I know it is hard to get men to verbalize some things... but it sounds like he is insecure and perhaps been burnt bad in the past. Family dysfunction etc..
How long have you been dating? Is there a big age difference between the two of you, there is some truth behind the rumors you've heard about men maturing at a slower rate than females. And even then, I swear they are men stuck with their 15 year old brain lol

My fiance and I have had our share of hard times that you wouldn't believe, because it feels surreal thinking back to them today but we've moved past all that and I am full of pride at where we stand today. We've helped each other grow, and our bond is unlike any other. We aren't afraid to admit who we were, and look forward to whom we one day aspire to be.

I don't mean to question further, but can you better describe this "kick" in the back?
You can tell the different when someone is trying to hurt you, and when they are holding back. I believe you are going about this the right way, because no one needs to know your business while you guys decide if this is worth going forward with.
If he wasn't trying to hold back, I would honestly whoop his ass and kick him to the curb.

Don't down play your own role in how the situation escalated. Take a step back and learn from your less then shining moment, gain an educated perspective and keep it between yourselves. You should be telling him how much he scared you and how retarded it was to threaten to involve your parents (who I am sure are biased as you are their daughter) if you are to work things out with this guy, and you are very young it is a possibility, you don't want them hating him. So I'd keep the venting to a minimum, instead find some other things in your life that relieve your stress. Physical activities are great!

After all, this guy can't be a complete monster, otherwise you wouldn't still be there caring.

Sometimes it is harder to stay and work on things than it is to leave and try to forget. As far as the mental abuse and such, people can only MAKE you feel, but how you allow them to.
And finally, there is no "normal". Others won't always agree with the two of you, that's fine. You'll survive.

[pope1982]

Lastly, if you guys are getting on each others nerves to that point, go for a walk or a drive. Don't stand there in each others faces having a pissing contest because I have seen people say and do some pretty stupid things when they are infuriated.

[Janet]

Hi and welcome to 4WT. You're going to find the greatest of all women here who honestly do their best to try and help when asked.

Now..my advice.... First: read and re-read Tinks advice. Next..don't..please don't bring any children into this relationship until it is 100% turned around. Kids have a hard enough time and then to see their parents fighting, physically and verbally. Like Dr. Phil says...it totally changes who they are.

Personally...I'd put on my running shoes.

I do wish you the very best in whatever you decide, but please don't think you couldn't make it alone or with someone else...your inner strength will surprise you.