...............divorce?

[magnolia]

I also have dealt with an alcoholic in the past (my older brother). Until your husband admits he has a drinking problem (and a person with a drinking problem is one who can't get through a single day without having a drink - and then can't stop with one), he will continue just as he has been. Also, as Janet said, he may be dealing with some depression and added with the drinking - not good. My heart goes out to you and am so glad you found this place - GREAT place to vent, laugh, and lean on shoulders (there are some great ones here). Try to get into counseling with him, or go alone. You will feel so much better

Oh, and welcome to 4WT - hope you stick around and give us a chance to get to know you and you get to know us.

[RLC12345678]

Your husband is probably drinking because he is depressed so confronting him about the drinking is going to cause him to feel threatened and attacked and I think that will only make matters worse. Afterall, I believe that it takes TWO to make a relationship work. Yes, he has his share of problems that are contributing to the decline of this marriage, but I am sure there are some things that you could work on yourself. It takes TWO to tango, as I like to say. So, with that being said, I would not attack your husband about his drinking and tell him that HE is the one that needs help and HE is the one who needs counseling. I think BOTH of you need help. You BOTH need to go to counseling together as well as separately. I think that in the counseling sessions would be a good time for BOTH of you to get everything out on the table. He can be open and honest about what he doesn't like about his life that is causing him to drink and you can be open and honest about your feelings. Men do not like to feel attacked or threatened. If you attack him, he is going to push harder and harder against you. I think in a caring and compassionate conversation, you need to express how you want to stay wtih him but yall BOTH need to go to counseling in order to make it work. Tell him that YOU BOTH have issues that you need to work on that will not be resolved without counseling. Tell him that it is as much your fault as it is his, even if you don't truly feel that it is. Give him an ultimateum...If he refuses to go to counseling, get a divorce.

Best of luck to you. I, too, hope you stick around. We would love to get to know you better.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'll have to say, that I probably agree with the others about the drinking. If he's up all night drinking, then he'll continue sleeping all day instead of trying to mesh with you & the childerens daytime schedules. Although I do know some couples who are happy & compatible with such opposite schedules.....I know that I would not. I'm like you & want my guy around during all the 'normal' family times.

How long have you been together? Are your children yours, his, both of yours?? How old are they? I tend to think that whenever children are involved, especially young children, than counceling is always a good bet. If you have some doubt about ending the relationship then maybe just try counceling. The worst that could happen is that the divorce is delayed & it sounds like the relationship is not unsafe for you or the kids. Who knows, maybe you can dig to the root of the problem & fix it. Has he always been a drinker & on a night schedule??

[SweetCuteness]

While I do agree with what everyone has said - especially regarding the conceling, you kind of sound like your mind is 99% made up. For counceling to be able to work, you're going to have to go into it with an open mind. If your mind is saying "it's over, I'm done," the counceling will be ineffective. Best of luck to you!!

[SweetCuteness]

P.S. Welcome to 4WT!!!!

[Mandy]

Just want to send you my best wishes and good luck with whatever decision you make. And welcome to 4WT, you have come to the right place

[Necee419]

I am sorry you are going through this. As many have said, a large portion of your problems stem from his drinking and I also noticed the fact that you all had conflicting schedules never gave you guys enough time to spend together as a family. My father is an alcoholic and he was physically abusive to my mother. She divorced him when I was 4. You have stated that your husband has never been physically abusive but verbally abusive to some degree. Personally, IMO I don't think it is healthy for your children to see their father constantly drunk and making negative comments towards their mom. If you are unhappy, your children are unhappy and that is never healthy for them. Family counseling is the best way to go, as well as individual counseling for yourself and your husband. Only you can decide if you want to try to work things out or throw in the towel. Follow your heart because I strongly believe in the power of a woman's intuition. Best of luck to you and if you ever feel like you need to unload or get anything off your chest, you can always find a friend on here.

Thanks so much for the support... and I don't think I'm perfect or that none of our problems come from me... but I'm the one who is unhappy and he would come back in a heartbeat if I let him.

At first I didn't even have a problem with the drinking, it wasn't as much (quantity per night) as it has been lately. My children are the most important thing in my life. Everything I do I do with their best interests in mind, sometimes I mess up, but for the most part they are turning into happy and productive members of society... not always the little robots who learn to "do as I say" to make the house run smoothly. That is where I really get upset, the parenting stuff & me feeling like I am not even worth sleeping next to...

DH grew up in group homes. He never learned how to parent. He knows his family, he went into foster care because his mom went to jail... drugs? Prostitution? something along those lines...

In a foster home full of boys the most important thing is FOLLOW THE RULES even if they are dumb rules... the foster care situation doesn't have a steller rep for turning out great members of society...

I see him as always being blue collar. Not that there is anything wrong with that... but that is his family background... blue collar, drug addicts & stubbornness. My family (not that they are anywhere even CLOSE to perfect) are more upper middle class... RN's, psychologist, architect, things like that. My mother was actually the family screw up in that generation... she still has a degree.

I don't think this means either of us is better than the other, but I think our background gives us a different set of glasses to look at life through... he grew up in "the system" and I grew up surrounded by family who really loved me, and even though I was dirt poor as a kid (hell, still am) I had that love, and knew it. I feel really bad that he didn't have the same...

I really think he does need more help than I do. I have been going to a theripist for several months... it just wasn't marriage counceling because until I made him leave, he didn't believe me when I told him we had problems... or that something just wasn't right. I told him several times that we never learned how to mesh our styles and parent together... or learned how to be a family... he would always say we were just fine.

I won't go to marriage counciling unless I am open minded about it working out... I guess That is what I'm struggling with... He has agreed to go, but I'm not sure if I want to bother or not. I know that he needs to deal with some personal issues from his childhood... and I have never tried to make it seem like everything was his fault... but I sort of feel like it is. I feel like I have been trying to be his partner, and he shut me out. Now that I gave up, he is willing to try... it just seems like it isn't good enough anymore... and THAT makes me feel guilty.

Ugh! I just get so confused about it...