...............divorce?

[Necee419]

I am sorry you are going through this. As many have said, a large portion of your problems stem from his drinking and I also noticed the fact that you all had conflicting schedules never gave you guys enough time to spend together as a family. My father is an alcoholic and he was physically abusive to my mother. She divorced him when I was 4. You have stated that your husband has never been physically abusive but verbally abusive to some degree. Personally, IMO I don't think it is healthy for your children to see their father constantly drunk and making negative comments towards their mom. If you are unhappy, your children are unhappy and that is never healthy for them. Family counseling is the best way to go, as well as individual counseling for yourself and your husband. Only you can decide if you want to try to work things out or throw in the towel. Follow your heart because I strongly believe in the power of a woman's intuition. Best of luck to you and if you ever feel like you need to unload or get anything off your chest, you can always find a friend on here.

Thanks so much for the support... and I don't think I'm perfect or that none of our problems come from me... but I'm the one who is unhappy and he would come back in a heartbeat if I let him.

At first I didn't even have a problem with the drinking, it wasn't as much (quantity per night) as it has been lately. My children are the most important thing in my life. Everything I do I do with their best interests in mind, sometimes I mess up, but for the most part they are turning into happy and productive members of society... not always the little robots who learn to "do as I say" to make the house run smoothly. That is where I really get upset, the parenting stuff & me feeling like I am not even worth sleeping next to...

DH grew up in group homes. He never learned how to parent. He knows his family, he went into foster care because his mom went to jail... drugs? Prostitution? something along those lines...

In a foster home full of boys the most important thing is FOLLOW THE RULES even if they are dumb rules... the foster care situation doesn't have a steller rep for turning out great members of society...

I see him as always being blue collar. Not that there is anything wrong with that... but that is his family background... blue collar, drug addicts & stubbornness. My family (not that they are anywhere even CLOSE to perfect) are more upper middle class... RN's, psychologist, architect, things like that. My mother was actually the family screw up in that generation... she still has a degree.

I don't think this means either of us is better than the other, but I think our background gives us a different set of glasses to look at life through... he grew up in "the system" and I grew up surrounded by family who really loved me, and even though I was dirt poor as a kid (hell, still am) I had that love, and knew it. I feel really bad that he didn't have the same...

I really think he does need more help than I do. I have been going to a theripist for several months... it just wasn't marriage counceling because until I made him leave, he didn't believe me when I told him we had problems... or that something just wasn't right. I told him several times that we never learned how to mesh our styles and parent together... or learned how to be a family... he would always say we were just fine.

I won't go to marriage counciling unless I am open minded about it working out... I guess That is what I'm struggling with... He has agreed to go, but I'm not sure if I want to bother or not. I know that he needs to deal with some personal issues from his childhood... and I have never tried to make it seem like everything was his fault... but I sort of feel like it is. I feel like I have been trying to be his partner, and he shut me out. Now that I gave up, he is willing to try... it just seems like it isn't good enough anymore... and THAT makes me feel guilty.

Ugh! I just get so confused about it...

[rivermom]

Sorry that you are dealing with all this. I am sure it's been very difficult on you and the kids. I hope that whatever choices you make regarding your marriage that it leads to your happiness. Cuz, if you ain't happy then nobody's happy!!"

I wish you the best. Life is short ~ so live it the way you feel is best for you and the kids.

[Kimberley]

The only thing I can suggest is COUNSELING. We went to church counseling earlier this year because of some issues that we were having. Things have been a lot better and we actually speak to each other now. Have you two thought about that?

My husband would NOT go with me at first but then he saw that I was serious about making it work and he did it to appease me at first but then we got a lot of issues out on the table and were able to work through them.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Kimberley

The only thing I can suggest is COUNSELING. We went to church counseling earlier this year because of some issues that we were having. Things have been a lot better and we actually speak to each other now. Have you two thought about that?

My husband would NOT go with me at first but then he saw that I was serious about making it work and he did it to appease me at first but then we got a lot of issues out on the table and were able to work through them.

I sure hope everything works out for you Kimberley and that you are happy. I recommend counseling for everyone......what could it hurt? At least it's a trained professional that can help solve conflicts. Family and friends are just too close to be objective most of the time.

[RLC12345678]

Janet is right......What can counseling hurt? That is great that he is willing and able to go to counseling. At least it will help him deal with his issues from his childhood. The fact that he is so willing to go means that he is willing to try to make this marriage work. Everyone learns behavior from somewhere. You leanred your excellent parenting skills from your parents. Unfortunately, your husband did not have that advantage. He learned his bad behavior from "the system." It really isn't his fault that he does not know how to be a good parent. You knew this coming into the marriage and in my opinion you should give him the opportunity to correct some of his bad behaviors before giving up on him. He has a disease that he needs help overcoming. Your children need their father in their life. I truly believe that if you don't give him a chance at least by trying marriage counseling, his disease is only going to get worse. You do not want your kids having a father like that in their lives because they are learning behaviors from not only you, but him as well. They need a loving, productive father in their life and the only way he is going to become this way is through professional help, which he probably won't get unless you are willing to go too.