Marriage Counseling?

[BabyNicole]

Originally Posted by Ponyup

That's not really true. All marriages have problems. There are big issue items that you may or may not have discussed before hand because for most people they do not come up in casual conversation;such as, kids, finances, moves, in-laws, I don't know what else, but you get my point. There are a lot of touchy issues that you may or may not deal with without help. Just because you have met & are marring "the one" doesn't mean that their aren't going to be some disagreements & problems. I think you maybe misunderstand what pre-marriage counseling is, you don't go because you have problems, you go to try & pinpiont what your problem areas might be & how to deal with them.

It doesn't have to be "true" or "false." It is my opinion. If people haven't discussed those "big" issues before they were married, they may not have been together for long enough to get to those conversations. People jump into marriage now adays, that's why things don't work out. People don't take time for courting anymore. These items should be discussed before hand, and not in casual conversation. In a "come to Jesus" meeting. People nowadays meet, fall in "lust", move in together, have sex, and get married...all before really getting to know each other. How do I know? Been there, done that, and I had those conversatoins first!!! I almost got married too fast too...now I'm glad I didn't. I've realized that there are many things to discuss before you get married. And maybe a counselor can help, but for what? If you're marrying this person you should agree on most things, and if not be able to work them out yourselves. That's what marriage is, compromising. If you need an outside opinion on how to compromise with each other because you want 4 kids and he wants 1, there's gonna be a big problem. If I had to go to a counselor before getting married, I wouldn't marry the man!!! Now, if you're married 10, 20 years and you've both "changed," maybe there could be things to work out. But going beforehand is not something I can see myself doing.

Now, don't think that I'm against counseling, cuz I've been to one before (by myself). It's just, I don't believe a marriage should start out with counseling before the wedding even begins. JMHO.

[Janet]

Okay since we are giving opinions, this is just mine, so please take it for what it is worth...

As in a lot of relationships one may be a little timid to bring up such topics. I know I was. Pre-marital counceling IMO should be mandatory. If it was, then maybe those who would normally "jump" into marriage would think twice, not always I'm sure, but some.

Whether the counceling is done with your Clergyman, Phsycologist, or Marriage councelor I think, IMO, it would help bring out the issues there might be problems with in the future and give tools to help conquer those issues.

Quite a few years ago, I went to talk with a Phsycologist. I was afraid, for some reason to tell my husband. He and I were talking about some of the couples we knew who were seeing "shrinks" and he told me...."man, everyone is going crazy", well I told the shrink what he said and she told me "it's the crazy ones who don't come for help."

I whole heartedly support counceling, because even those couples who are so "in love", are not going to see eye to eye on everything.

There...that's just my opinion..

The reason I like pre-marital counseling is because they help you find ways to keep a marriage working. Now..I am not married, but I am in a serious relationship and I do think it's important for me to know of different ways of communication, compromise, encouragement, etc. I don't think they're telling you how to be married, but they bring out things in each person that you might now have thought about before.

I dont know if anyone has ever read/heard of the book "The 5 love languages" but it bring out points about people that I would have never thought of. It states that everyone has and responds to a certain "love language" whether it be verbal, or performing acitons, etc. Maybe yall should just google it cause I dont think Im explaining it very well.. haha

Anyways, now Im rambling..

[Ponyup]

Sorry Nicole, I didn't mean to offend sometimes my phrasing isn't correct. When I got married I was naive & ignorant about relationships. I didn't do long term relationships. I met my husband & knew he was the one, we were long distance our entire courtship (almost 2 years) & talked alot on the phone. I thought we had talked about everything. We were opposites, but we worked. When we got married & moved in together it was really hard for me. Things weren't perfect & I thought they should be since I married "the one". Well I read a book my cousin gave me & talked to my mom & found out that even if you marry "the one" there will be problems & that first year is hard. Had I gone to counseling I would of had a head ups about this happening & not stressed myself out. I had to learn on my own how to work things out & compromise & we have & we are great now. But had I not had the support system I had I might have left him, thinking since it's not perfect I married the wrong man. Now I know I married the perfect man. I think counseling would of given me a heads up & that would of been nice.

[BabyNicole]

Originally Posted by Ponyup

Sorry Nicole, I didn't mean to offend sometimes my phrasing isn't correct. When I got married I was naive & ignorant about relationships. I didn't do long term relationships. I met my husband & knew he was the one, we were long distance our entire courtship (almost 2 years) & talked alot on the phone. I thought we had talked about everything. We were opposites, but we worked. When we got married & moved in together it was really hard for me. Things weren't perfect & I thought they should be since I married "the one". Well I read a book my cousin gave me & talked to my mom & found out that even if you marry "the one" there will be problems & that first year is hard. Had I gone to counseling I would of had a head ups about this happening & not stressed myself out. I had to learn on my own how to work things out & compromise & we have & we are great now. But had I not had the support system I had I might have left him, thinking since it's not perfect I married the wrong man. Now I know I married the perfect man. I think counseling would of given me a heads up & that would of been nice.

No, you didn't offend me! I'm just hard-headed! LOL Shoot, my ex fiancé and I talked about everything and I thought he was "the one." Man was I mistaken! His excuse, "I just changed my mind." And do you know still after one year (a few days ago) he IMed me wanting a booty call? HELLO!!! You've GOT to be kidding me! But, thank God I did go to counseling after the break-up b/c I learned that it really wasn't "me." I did everything for him, and that wasn't enough. O well, he can go get his booty somewhere else!
But, back to pre-marriage counseling...I can understand what you mean, but it's just not for me, you know? I have a big mouth, and I usually have no problem saying what's on my mind!

[RLC12345678]

Like I said, our church required us to go to premarital counseling before my hubby and I could get married. Like Janet, I think premarital counseling should be a REQUIREMENT before ANYONE can get married! Even though my hubby and I dated for 3.5 years before we got married and talked about everything under the sun, it was really beneficial and healthy for our relationship to get an outside opinion on some issues. We took a personality test that really tapped into areas that would never come up in a conversation. We were also able to get advice from someone who has been successfully married for over 35 years. Learning how he handled situations was really beneficial. He told us that he and his wife NEVER fought until they had kids. Knowing this before hand is really going to help my hubby and I when we decide to have children. We also talked about conflict resolution, finances, career expectations, and a whole lot of other things. We also talked about how "love" is not necessarily a feeling, it is a choice. It is going to be completely natural for my hubby and I to have attractions to other people. But that doesn't mean that we should divorce or that we don't love each other anymore. And just because we are attracted to someone certainly does not mean we should follow through with a physical relationship with someone. Love is not only a feeling, but it is a commitment. When you make a commitment, you should follow through with it. I think there would be many less divorces if people were required to go through conseling before marriage. I think it would prevent a lot of marriages that eventually end in divorce from happening. Just talking through issues such as these that will certainly arise in our marriage will make us more prepared for the future.