My Husband had an affair with "my best friend"

I have been a member of 4 Women from the onset however I work so much I haven't really had a change to talk to anyone for quite some time. SOOOOO here goes.
I found out 1 year ago this month that my husband of 12 yrs. was having an afire with the person that I thought was my Best Friend. I was devastated to say the least. We talked about it all, she called me many times and talk to me about it. Both of them were telling me that it was over. But it wasn't over until April 14th of this year. Everyday I work on forgiving him. Because I really do love him. My life didn't really mount to anything until I married him. He is the funniest man you would ever meet. He is working very hard every day now to prove that he LOVES ME and WANTS to be with me. I don't make it very easy for him at times either. Sometimes the most innocent comment or remark can set me off or my mind to reeling. We are neither one young any longer. He is 62 doesn't look it at all. I'm gonna be 58 on 10/27 and lucky for me and good gene don't look my age either. And this friend was 45. Now ladies tell me me true. Do you know any man that would turn down the advances of a very attractive younger women? Hell no! But I do fault him for not thinking with the correct head, and going for it.
Since April each day gets better sometimes I feel like it was all a dream, then the B---- will call me then it all come back.
The reason I am posting this is I wanted to know if there is anyone of you out there that have gone through this before ? I don't have any friends to talk to now. So sometime I don't know if I'm making the right decision or not. You know how we are are. It's always easier to heal in numbers. What I mean is when things like this happen one really needs that special friend to talk with and hopefully tell them if they are doimg the RIGHT thing or not.
I kicked him out and begged him not to leave a million times. When after all was said and done. HE JUST WANTED HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!.
So I've had a little to much wine tonight and as always too much time to think.
Thank you for for listening to me and I hope that someone will respond to my post.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Carole

I have been a member of 4 Women from the onset however I work so much I haven't really had a change to talk to anyone for quite some time. SOOOOO here goes.
I found out 1 year ago this month that my husband of 12 yrs. was having an afire with the person that I thought was my Best Friend. I was devastated to say the least. We talked about it all, she called me many times and talk to me about it. Both of them were telling me that it was over. But it wasn't over until April 14th of this year. Everyday I work on forgiving him. Because I really do love him. My life didn't really mount to anything until I married him. He is the funniest man you would ever meet. He is working very hard every day now to prove that he LOVES ME and WANTS to be with me. I don't make it very easy for him at times either. Sometimes the most innocent comment or remark can set me off or my mind to reeling. We are neither one young any longer. He is 62 doesn't look it at all. I'm gonna be 58 on 10/27 and lucky for me and good gene don't look my age either. And this friend was 45. Now ladies tell me me true. Do you know any man that would turn down the advances of a very attractive younger women? Hell no! But I do fault him for not thinking with the correct head, and going for it.
Since April each day gets better sometimes I feel like it was all a dream, then the B---- will call me then it all come back.
The reason I am posting this is I wanted to know if there is anyone of you out there that have gone through this before ? I don't have any friends to talk to now. So sometime I don't know if I'm making the right decision or not. You know how we are are. It's always easier to heal in numbers. What I mean is when things like this happen one really needs that special friend to talk with and hopefully tell them if they are doimg the RIGHT thing or not.
I kicked him out and begged him not to leave a million times. When after all was said and done. HE JUST WANTED HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!.
So I've had a little to much wine tonight and as always too much time to think.
Thank you for for listening to me and I hope that someone will respond to my post.

First off, Carole, you've come to the right place and we welcome you with open arms. If the wonderful ladies here don't help lift you up, it would be a total shock, because in my opinion, they are the greatest, most compassionate ladies I've ever met.

I am truly sorry your marriage has hit this bump in the road. It really lower ones self-esteem IF we let it. Since we will all give opinions, good and bad, you'll have to separate them and use the advice that is best for your situation.

One thing that I would do, is sever ties with this "friend." A true friend would never do this, no matter what and I believe it would be easier to rebuild the trust if she wasn't in your face all the time. Next (if you want you and your husband want this marriage to work) is just simple advice...talk with a good marriage councelor. Yes, I recommend counceling a lot. It does help put your feelings and thoughts in check. If he won't go with you, then please go alone.

I wouldn't want to give you more advice than that, because I really don't know ALL the facts and what led your husband to wander in the first place, even though it was wrong. Also, you did say that you've had too much wine and that will definitely cloud your thoughts.

I wish you all the best and hope things can work out to your benefit. God Bless!

[magnolia]

Hi Carole!

First of all, thank you for thinking enough of us to come "lean on our shoulders". It takes a brave person to post what you did and I admire and respect you for sharing.

I agree with Janet - cut the ties with your "friend"!! As long as she remains a part of your life, she will always bring the hurt she caused you to the forefront - a constant reminder of a very painful part in your life. As Janet said, no friend would do that to another and expect, when things are over, to remain friends. I realize it may be hard for you to do as the two of you were so close but it will go a long way in mending the damage between you and your husband. It will take a long time for you to regain the trust you once had for him and the life you have together - why "bog" it down with constant reminders from her?

Of course, we don't know what is truly in your heart and how you feel and who's to say what we would do if placed in the same position as you are in. Basically, what it comes down to is following your heart in this situation. What is it telling you to do? And trust in God to help you get through this ALWAYS helps!!

Know that we are all here for you - sending you lots of prayers and (((((hugs)))))!

God bless,
Suzi

im so sorry your going through this sending hugs your way. well first of all tell the so called friend to leave you and your husband alone. and i also think you should go and see someone but i do think you should both go, if your husband says no then he cant really want to make things work, if he is truely sorry and wants to show you how much he loves you he will go with you and after all it was he who betrayed YOU so he needs to talk about the reason he strayed so you can both work on it never happening again , if you dont get to the root of the problem how can you mend? how did you find out about them being together if you dont mind me asking? i guess you are also upset that he told you it was over but then carried on with her behind your back? so its not just him cheating its the lieing too you need to sort out. like its been said go see someone talk to them together, then and only then when you feel strong and have a clear mind think about how you feel and what YOU want.

[Mandy]

To start with i want to say, welcome to 4WT girl, and you have come to the right place...

Now to be very honest, this "friend" is not a true friend if she can do that to you! I would cut ALL ties with this lady, she doesnt deserve to be called "your friend" but that's just my opinion.
Not only did your hubby cheat on you, so did she and that's got to hurt.
In time to come, you will be able to forgive, but it will always be in the back of your mind.

As mentioned above, going to a counselor will give you strength as he/she will unfold things and put them in line for you to get a clear view of things.

Good luck and stay strong, we are here for you!

Oh I wish I knew what to tell you. All I can say is to stay strong...definitly cut ties with your friend. It will always make you think. I will keep you in my prayers and remember, we support you in any way we can!

[rivermom]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I have a very dear friend who has experienced her hubby cheating on her now more than once. Within a year he has cheated on her with two very dear friends of hers. Needless to say her heart is broken and she still continues to love her husband, forgive him, and try to move forward in her life. She feels of course that she cannot trust her husband not to mention her own girl friends. (of course she trusts me though!! )

Know that you are NOT alone with this, as there indeed are others. I can only give you the same advise I gave my girl friend. And, that is to follow her heart and do what she feels is best. No matter what choices she makes regarding her marriage I will support her and always be there for her when needed. It would be much easier for me to sit and tell her what I feel she should do but that isn't my place, it isn't the right thing to do.

Only YOU can decide what is best for you. The bottom line is you deserve happiness, and I hope you find this.

[Kimberley]

WOWSERS! I am so sorry that this happened to you. The only thing that I can compare it to is when my first husband was working out of town and was sleeping with a bartender. He was there probably 6-8 weeks and that "relationship" lasted that long. Fortunately for me, I'm not with him any longer but there were much more toxic things in our relationship.

You are a strong woman to stay with your husband. VERY strong. These things take so much time and the fact that you're forgiving him speaks volumes about you.

Loose the friend. Ask her to stop calling and if she persists, change your phone number and have it unlisted. You don't need a friend like that. Women are suppose to stick together. Not go after the one thing that should be ours alone.

I hope that you find peace in the future. Humans unfortunately can't forget some things like animals can. I think that God should have made memories of hurtful events non-existant.

Hang in there. You've found a great group of women who will always have a shoulder to lean on.

[rivermom]

Originally Posted by Kimberley

WOWSERS! I am so sorry that this happened to you. The only thing that I can compare it to is when my first husband was working out of town and was sleeping with a bartender. He was there probably 6-8 weeks and that "relationship" lasted that long. Fortunately for me, I'm not with him any longer but there were much more toxic things in our relationship.

You are a strong woman to stay with your husband. VERY strong. These things take so much time and the fact that you're forgiving him speaks volumes about you.

Loose the friend. Ask her to stop calling and if she persists, change your phone number and have it unlisted. You don't need a friend like that. Women are suppose to stick together. Not go after the one thing that should be ours alone.

I hope that you find peace in the future. Humans unfortunately can't forget some things like animals can. I think that God should have made memories of hurtful events non-existant.

Hang in there. You've found a great group of women who will always have a shoulder to lean on.

I so much agree with Kimberley about losing the friend. She is NOT your friend whatsoever. You don't need this kind of person in your life, she does NOT deserve you anyway as a friend.

I feel bad that this has happened to you. I agree with what's already been said....ditch the 'friend' & try to go to counceling together. Try to dig out the 'why' behind the 'what' & work on mending the root of the problem.

You are a strong lady for trying to work it out, when so many men would simply walk away to proud to follow what their heart is telling them.

People do all sorts of things when they are going through rough times.....eat, drink, work out, etc. It sounds like you're like me as I too will open up that bottle of wine. BUT, you need a clear head. Something that I found helps me, when I'm working out an emotional situation or something is to simply GET AWAY!! What I mean is take some YOU time. If you can afford to, go on a vacation all by yourself. Get away from your daily duties (distractions) and spend some time thinking & working through your thoughts. If you can't do this, how about taking a day off & going for a long walk or a drive in the car into the country?

[Gina]

This is a tough situation to be in, but as most have said she is not your friend, friends don't do this. If this was an affair where you do not know the woman, I would say she is not the only one at fault. But you have a double whammy, being she was a friend. You didn't say if she is married, and if so does her husband know of what went on? The only advice I will give you is you can no longer be her friend, I would never trust her again no matter what. No one can tell you to leave your husband or not, only you know that answer, you should follow your gut. Your gut never steers you wrong. Just remember that life is short and you must be happy with yourself regardless what you decide..

I really appreciate all your advice and kind words. You all all so kind, I wish I would had you when I was in the middle of that mess. Like I said, it's good to have have some one to talk too, I never knew what the right thing to do was. SOOOOOOO...I just followed my heart.
I guess I didn't explain things very good. I am no longer in contact with the "friend". She did call me alot during the affair. Trying to talk me into letting him leave with her. However he really didn't want to go with her. Like I mentioned before. All he wanted was his cake and eat it too.
I found out from her husband. He called to tell me that she had told him "she was in love with my husband and they were going to move in together". I called my husband ( We will call him "D"). And he confirmed that information. I ask him to come home so we could talk about it. And we did. WOW! He told me the whole story. How it started, (been going on for 1 mo. at that time).
I took some time to think and decided that I wasn't going to let her win. It was quite a 6 mo. struggle. I threw him out and begged him to stay all most every day. She would call me and leave terrible messages some times 15-20 messages a day. The messages show what a crazy women she had become. Someone I had never knew. I could tell you ladies something’s that she did you would never believe.
One example before I knew about the affair, she called me call me at work wanted to come take me out for lunch. She showed up late and we rushed through the lunch. What really happen that day..... She had sex with "D", took me to lunch , went back to have sex with "D". then when her husband came home had sex with him and after all that, she and her husband had dinner with us. Now that's what I call a good dependable friend..

I could go on and on with stories like that. but what I'm really trying to do is move on. Of course we have had to change our phone numbers 5 times. It didn't take long until the affair became a "fatal attraction" situation. But by March is was finally over. It took the 2 of us to fight her off of us and out of out life. The last time she tried to call him and sent him a text message we forwarded those on to her husband’s cell phone.. that was 2 mos. ago. We are working very had to get through this. We have talked about canceling but don think we will go that route just yet. Things are getting better. We sold out house and moved away from them. But before we did that they bought a home 5 miles from us back in Dec. 05 she was already planning her future with "D" at that time. LOL 5 times he was suppose to leave me and 5 times he left her holding her bags. She was a good persuader, but never good enough I guess.

[Necee419]

Hi welcome to 4womentalk!! I am so sorry you had to go through this. I caught an ex-boyfriend of mine cheating on me with another girl and it was tough. i forgave him but I was never able to trust him after that. Eventually I broke up with him because I couldn't handle things. Every time he was late, or I didn't know where he was, I assumed he was out cheating. I took its toll on me emotionally and my self esteem was non-existent. I admire you for your courage to stick it out with your husband. However, I agree with the ladies that you both need counseling. You may forgive your husband but you will never forget the betrayal and those old insecurities will resurface the minute something happens. A professional can help you work through those feelings. Your husband also must take responsibility for his actions as well. Granted the lady sounds like a psycho but it takes two to tango and he NEVER should have betrayed you with her in the first place. Best of luck to you both and I hope you find a way to make peace in your relationship.

[khardy57]

I was cheated on by my first husband and gave him more than one second chance. First of all, you BOTH have to want the marriage to work. If so, he will agree to get help. Secondly, cut ties with the woman. I won't call her friend because she is undeserving of that title. If you have to, get your tel number changed and have it unlisted. Third, at his age he knew better! He'd have to really do some groveling to try to make it better.

I'll pray for you that God gives you the strength and courage to do what's right for YOU!

[Kimberley]

Originally Posted by Winkie

I really appreciate all your advice and kind words. You all all so kind, I wish I would had you when I was in the middle of that mess. Like I said, it's good to have have some one to talk too, I never knew what the right thing to do was. SOOOOOOO...I just followed my heart.
I guess I didn't explain things very good. I am no longer in contact with the "friend". She did call me alot during the affair. Trying to talk me into letting him leave with her. However he really didn't want to go with her. Like I mentioned before. All he wanted was his cake and eat it too.
I found out from her husband. He called to tell me that she had told him "she was in love with my husband and they were going to move in together". I called my husband ( We will call him "D"). And he confirmed that information. I ask him to come home so we could talk about it. And we did. WOW! He told me the whole story. How it started, (been going on for 1 mo. at that time).
I took some time to think and decided that I wasn't going to let her win. It was quite a 6 mo. struggle. I threw him out and begged him to stay all most every day. She would call me and leave terrible messages some times 15-20 messages a day. The messages show what a crazy women she had become. Someone I had never knew. I could tell you ladies something’s that she did you would never believe.
One example before I knew about the affair, she called me call me at work wanted to come take me out for lunch. She showed up late and we rushed through the lunch. What really happen that day..... She had sex with "D", took me to lunch , went back to have sex with "D". then when her husband came home had sex with him and after all that, she and her husband had dinner with us. Now that's what I call a good dependable friend..

I could go on and on with stories like that. but what I'm really trying to do is move on. Of course we have had to change our phone numbers 5 times. It didn't take long until the affair became a "fatal attraction" situation. But by March is was finally over. It took the 2 of us to fight her off of us and out of out life. The last time she tried to call him and sent him a text message we forwarded those on to her husband’s cell phone.. that was 2 mos. ago. We are working very had to get through this. We have talked about canceling but don think we will go that route just yet. Things are getting better. We sold out house and moved away from them. But before we did that they bought a home 5 miles from us back in Dec. 05 she was already planning her future with "D" at that time. LOL 5 times he was suppose to leave me and 5 times he left her holding her bags. She was a good persuader, but never good enough I guess.

WOW! What a freaking PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!