I knew this would be trouble!!!

[judy]

When I was over at Jessie's on Thanksgiving, Steve and I were discussing his doing my floor. He told me it would cost me $1200, after I reminded him that he owed me $200. He thought it was less. I wanted to give him $1000, but $1200 was okay.

I called him today because I am going to pick out thew floor tomorrow. All of a sudden, it is $1350. He originally wanted $1500, including installing the dishwasher. I had that done by someone else, so he deducted $150. I called him on it, reminding him that he had said $1200. He had forgotten, and started bringing up that I had someone else dp the dishwasher, which was insulting to him, and how much work it is, and that he isn't doing the fan in the kitchen (I want a ceiling fan) for that. It will be extra, and how he's not working for nothing anymore, blah, blah, blah.

Well...I said at one point, after he carried on how little he charges, "Do you want to hgo tit for tat?" He said he did, but I, thank goodness, told him no, I didn't want to. He got another ccall, and then called me back.

He wasn't doing the work, he and Jessie feeluncomfortable now. He and I get along and he doesn't want anything to get in the way, what did I mean about tit for tat. Did I mean watching the kids? I claimed that he caught me off guard, and that I didn't mean anything by it. It was just a comeback (It wasn't).
I had to tell him this 3 times, apologize, tell him how much I love him, that his work is impeccable (it is), and that if I was going to give money to somebody, I wanted to give it to him. I did realize when I got off the phone the first time that to argue over $150 is ridiculous. He is not the type to argue with. He takes everything way too far.

I guess I appeased him, because he started talking about how many square feet I need, and what to look for, etc.

All I can say is "yuck!" What an a**hole,! He can open his mouth and argue with me over money, and how he's not working for nothing anymore (I have nothing to do with that. I paid him last time). He also threw up how he spent an hour taking apart my dishwasher to see if it could be fixed and that he didn't get paid for that. WHAT??? That's when I said the thing about tit for tat!

I am family, and expect to have my SIL check my dishwasher for free, to give me a break on prices, and to basically, get over himself.

What an attitude! What an a**hole! I don't like that Jessie got upset either!
This is why we didn't talk for 3 years. They become irrational together. Is she crazy? We have been discussing how she is trying to get him to get rid of the big dogs for days now, and all of a sudden, he can do no wrong? He took my dishwasher apart and it took him an hour! OMG! I guess I should expect a bill in the mail. Well, those bits of money that I have enjoyed giving them every so often, they just blew!

Yuck!!! Ahhhhhh! (me screaming from anger).

Okay, I have finished ranting. Now I will go clean up his dog's poop! How much should that be worth?

Yuck, yuck, yuck!

[gja1000]

Oh Judy! You are between a rock and a hard place!!! I knew he/they would be insulted if you didn't have him do the work - and his bringing up that you had someone else install the dishwasher was insulting to him - confirms that he would be mad if you didn't have him install the floor. This is really really hard! And he is being an a$$ and I would be really mad too!

I have absolutely NO advice - my friends/family are so different. I grew up in the country where we all helped each other with everything, and no one paid anyone anything. My friends/family would NEVER take any money for helping us and visa versa. My son-in-law worked with my husband for two 12 hour days installing our wood floor and would have died if we'd offered him any money. But that is just the way we grew up - we all helped each other. Our son-in-law took out our old dishwasher, hauled it off, and installed the new one, and a friend of Gary's did the same for our old dishwasher. Gary's friend took out our old water heater and put in a new one (they were soooo heavy!) and when I offered him some money - he looked at me like I had two heads.

I understand paying your son-in-law for big jobs like the floor installation, since he isn't working and needs the money - but I don't understand your paying him for things like installing a fan, hanging pictures, etc etc.

[DianaB]

What a tough situation. I'm so sorry especially since it involves your daughter. Just give him the money and consider it money for the family.....for keeping the peace. I know that you're fustrated with him and I would be too, but your relationship with your daughter is so important to you that you're going to have to look the other way. You know you're welcome to vent on here any time you want too!! I hope that your situation improves.

[judy]

Originally Posted by DianaB

What a tough situation. I'm so sorry especially since it involves your daughter. Just give him the money and consider it money for the family.....for keeping the peace. I know that you're fustrated with him and I would be too, but your relationship with your daughter is so important to you that you're going to have to look the other way. You know you're welcome to vent on here any time you want too!! I hope that your situation improves.

Perfect advice Diana. Thank you. This is exactly what I am planning. My only worry really is that my negative feelings about this will show through at some point. Other than that, I am okay with this, for the reasons you said.. I want to keep the peace, and the money is going to my family.

I also was raised like you Gayle. Family does for each other, and hanging a fan
is just another family activity, usually followed by food. This is foreign to me, and makes me feel displaced a bit. I would never charge them, for example, for watching their dog. Families do for each other, as do good friends. I must say that I am glad I don't come from his planet.

[Lindsey]

Oh my goodness Judy, I can't believe he would treat his mother-in-law that way!

My family always just helps out for free, no matter how close we are. I just had an uncle, great-uncle, and my uncle's friend putting in my laminate for the weekend, and they were happy that I stocked the fridge with beer! They asked for nothing, but of course we are willing to do favors for them as well.

Diana gave good advice. Maybe after this work is done, while you're not needing anything else, you could have a talk with both of them and explain that you know he does great work but you feel that the money issues put a strain on your relationship and hopefully you could just agree to keep work and family separate. I don't know if they would feel okay with that but I think it might be the best option.

I will keep my fingers crossed that soon you will find a great man to share your life with, and preferably one who is handy with fixing things around the house

[paula1961]

Judy I sure hope that your situation with your daughter and sil turns out for the best! Separating work and family sounds like good advice to me but sometimes that is difficult to do. I know that you are just trying to help them out financially by letting him do your floor. Sounds like your sil needs to be a lot more considerate of your feelings! Some people are just natural born a$$holes!

[Janet]

Wow Judy....All the advice was good. I liked Lindsey's too..explain that you know he does great work but you feel that the money issues put a strain on your relationship and hopefully you could just agree to keep work and family separate...

We're like that here too, we help because we want to...no money. The only time money is exchanged is for materials...labor is always a gift.

[Blueyes]

Its hard to have a rational conversation with a jerk! We all do what we have to do... I hope it works out ok

[Shada]

I hate that you are going thru this.
It's sad that your SIL doesn't understand how families help each other out.
I have no advice other than supporting you in whatever you do!

Maybe from this point start a tally of what you do for them, and start deducting your pay from his payment of doing your floor! 'Tit for tat'

[judy]

Originally Posted by paula1961

Judy I sure hope that your situation with your daughter and sil turns out for the best! Separating work and family sounds like good advice to me but sometimes that is difficult to do. I know that you are just trying to help them out financially by letting him do your floor. Sounds like your sil needs to be a lot more considerate of your feelings! Some people are just natural born a$!

At this point, I am not letting him do the floor to help them out financially. I am just stuck with him because I have to let him do the work, at whatever price he wants, to keep the peace.

When I moved up here, it was different. He didn't want me to pay full price for the work, and I wanted to give him the business. Now, he can pack groceries for all I care, to earn money!

I was thinking about getting Allure vinyl planks, which can be put on top of my laminate floors. Her refuses to do that. Says the laminate has to come out, and he won't lay a floating floor over another floating floor. First of all, that is not his decision, it's mine. Second of all, I can get Home Depot to come in and do it in one or two days for about $1000.

I don't think I want the vinyl flooring because I don't know anyone who has it, unless it's for an RV or in a basement where moisture is an issue. It's a good thing, because I would have to tell him that I am not using him to pull up a floor for nothing! I already put him on hold for a couple of weeks while I tried to check that out. Then I got somebody else to do my dishwasher. I told him that I did that because their sick puppies were dying that weekend. He said, so what, you could have waited. All I answered was that I didn't want to wait.
He didn't seem to have a comeback for that!

Anyway, I am going with the laminate. I will use him. It is cost effective because his price for pulling up the existing laminate and replacing it is very fair.
From now on though, I will not tell them if I do anything in the house that they won't notice. I will simply have somebody else do it, and keep it to myself.

I went and dropped off their dog yesterday, and he handed me back my credit card that I had left with him. I said, "Oh, you can keep this." He said no, and I just put it in my pocket.

He is a major ahole, and cannot be spoken to like an adult. Betsi is right. I am really angry right now, but when I get past it, I don't know how I will feel, or what I will really do about this. Right now, I really don't like him at all, and don't want him in my house working because I don't want his ahole energy around me!

[DianaB]

I think that it's a good idea to not let him know what you're having done in the future. then he can't be upset with you. It's all about keeping the peace. Sad, but true. I hope that everything works out well. Being a MIL can be really hard at times. Hugs!! Vent anytime!!!

[Janet]

Judy, I hate that you have to deal with this. Why does he have to act that way and how can Jessie stand it? To each their own I guess. You'd think he'd want to be extra nice to his MIL for his wife's sake. He must really be strange.

[Marilyn]

Judy, so very sad that you are going through this, but what is the price of your relationship with your daughter and grand children? It's worth putting up with a bit of issues with your SIL to be able to keep close with them. It's only a little extra money, and it will all burn up someday anyway. Your relationships with your family are much more important.

Love you and am praying for patience. Take a deep breath and get a massage.

[judy]

Originally Posted by Janet

Judy, I hate that you have to deal with this. Why does he have to act that way and how can Jessie stand it? To each their own I guess. You'd think he'd want to be extra nice to his MIL for his wife's sake. He must really be strange.

He IS extra nice to me

Why Jessie puts up with this is an interesting question, and really, the only one that matters in the end. She knows he is an ahole, although she defends him to the end. They are in love, after 14 years together, 3 children, she has a very serious illness, and he is out of work more often than he should be. When I am with them, I actually enjoy myself because they enjoy each other. Go figure! But, the heart wants what the heart wants, and another couple's marriage can be a total mystery to everyone else.

She has also told me that she decided, years ago, that she wants to stay married to him. So, where somebody else might fight for "right," she will not.
She gets her way after a while anyway, but gives in to his nonsense in the moment. I obviously never could do that, having been divorced twice. I'm more the "it's my way or the highway" type. I have to say that I respect her decision.
He may be an ahole, but he does have many good traits. He is not abusive, working or not, keeps his family going, and loves his wife and children above all else.

Anyway, I do love him because of his good side, and because it is better to love than focus on the things I don't like.

I'm over being angry at him. It takes too much energy, and, like a lot of you have said, keeping the peace comes first at some point.

I was talking to him about the floor yesterday, and he suggested that I ask Lowe's how much they would charge to put the floor in. I asked him if he wants the job - it's a yes or no question - and he said yes, but if they can do it for less, I should take it. So, I guess he got over his hissy fit.

My grandmother told my aunt when she was growing up that the best way to get through family life is to "wiggle through" each day.

[Mandy]

Judy i am really sorry you are having to deal with this crap!
Laugh it off... he sure isnt worth getting angry over, get someone else to do the job for you... in your case, you are better off dealing with strangers.

Shows you how hes mind works, asking hes MIL for money because he helps?! It baffles me... we help our friends and family because we love them, and love seeing them happy.

Good luck girl, relax.... and keep smiling