A Retired Husband.......

[DianaB]

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--RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the
local Target:

Dear Mrs. Clifton
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have
been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against
your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our
video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading
to both the ladies and men's restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This
caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union
grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company
money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the clerks passed out.


---If this were MY husband......I'd claim that I wasn't married and never wear a wedding ring to Target again!!!!

[Janet]

Oh Diana!!! I needed a laugh so bad and this was it. So funny...I loved it!

[DianaB]

I'm glad that you liked it!! I thought it was funny too!!!!

[Janet]

As I was reading some were funny but then I would laugh out loud at others I thought were hilarious. So glad you posted it.