Part Of The Problem Is Gone

[Janet]

It looks like I don't have to send the letter I was writing to my brothers after all. My younger brother Brad came this afternoon and played the weekly game of Yahtzee. I stayed in my room so they could visit privately.

When I heard that he was about to leave, I came out to say goodbye. He said he was going home to eat. Then he just kind of stood there at the door and finally said that he was going to be busy on Saturday, but maybe he could get Mom for Sunday dinner and have her spend time at his house. It made my heart feel good and I started crying and said "thank you, it can be really hard".

He then said (in a belittling tone) that maybe I should look into other options. I told him I wasn't putting her in a nursing home yet, it would make Mom so sad and she wouldn't last very long. He got angry and said that he can't help out any more than what he has been, because he works everyday. What the hell does he think I do all day with Mom and my home?

Anyway...I lost it. I totally lost it. I told him that he sure found time to take two 4 day weekends to go fishing without a single call to Mom so it was obvious where his priority lied. That if he wanted to make time he could but that he was too selfish and always had been.

He turned and started out the door and I yelled "just go ahead and get out you F n Ba_ _ _ _ d. He started to come back in and I yelled for him to get out...get out of my house....so he left. Of course I'm crying the whole time.

I get up enough nerve and told Mom I opened my big mouth again and told her what happened and what was said. Mom wasn't upset at all. She said it was the truth and that he'd get over it. Still....I didn't want there to be any backlas for Mom. So....I texted that I was sorry. That I was exhausted and that he was still welcome to come visit Mom...that I would just excuse myself.

Well, he texted back that he would not be visiting with Mom here...it would be somewhere else. He said more but to make it short....he's out of my life. I'm not disappointed at all. We really weren't on good terms anyway so I'm glad it's finally over. Such a pain in the "you know were"!

It sounds sad....but he is such a selfish jerk and even though he is younger being around him I felt like I was walking on egg shells to keep from setting him off. He's so moody and judgemental. So.....life will go on.......

[gja1000]

Janet, I'm glad you had your say and you were right to say what you did - but - he just got rewarded (in a twisted way) for his bad behavior. Now, he doesn't have to spend any time coming to see his/your mom - cause he isn't "welcome" at your house - even though you apologized. He has the supreme excuse that you don't want him at the house. Pretty convenient, huh!

Oh and the bit about "I work everyday" just hacks me off to the max. What the hell does he (and everyone else who says that) think is going on at your house every day! Geesh!

This kind of behavior makes me sooooo mad. I just hate it when bad people get rewarded for bad behavior. Of course, he is missing out on seeing his mom, so that is not really a reward, but he sure is going to be able to go on his four day fishing trips (and anywhere else) with no thoughts about anyone or anything else.

I know it is better for you with him not being there - I understand the "getting rid of toxic waste" and yes, you did get rid of some bad stuff. Overall it will probably be better for everyone - but still, he just absolved any and all responsibilities to your mom, he's off scott free. Doesn't seem quite right.

[judy]

I know what you mean, Gayle. However, it is less stress for you, Janet. His loss or gains are his problem to deal with.

I think that you have to "keep your eye on the prize," the prize being the easiest and least stressful environment there is for you and Mom, the better. Let everybody who doesn't want to jump on this train, fall by the wayside.

I still love Diana's idea of hiring someone for the times when you want to get out.
This puts you in control, not having to count on anybody else.

Congrats on your courage and gumption Janet!

[DianaB]

I'm glad that you got this off of your shoulders.......but like Gayle said he may take it that he doesn't have to worry about anything since you threw him out. I still think that you need to sit down with a calendar and have everyone take a weekend for the next couple of months and then they have to figure out how she'll be taken care of and for how long. You need to have a family meeting with your brothers and get this straightened out.

Does Brad realize that when you're Mom goes into the nursing home that all of her assets will be spent to take care of her.......and they have to be gone before the state will take over on her care? It's definitely worth taking care of them at home for as long as you can because of the finances. You might want to be checking with a lawyer to see what you can do ahead of time to save any assets your Mom might have. She may need to sign the house over to you kids or something like that.

[judy]

I think that needs to be done 5 years prior to being admitted to any facility, at least in NYS.

[gja1000]

Yes, It's 5 years prior in Texas too, so that's probably standard

[Janet]

One of the therapists gave me some names of places that will come and sit with Mom if I want to run an errand or just have time to myself. So when I need it, I will definitely use it. I also have a fellow bus driver who I've become good friends with. She told me today that she really doesn't have anything to do in the summer and would be glad to come sit and talk with Mom while I do what I need to do. It was so sweet of her.

Brad did send me a text back and say that he would see Mom....it just wouldn't be here. So...guess I'll have to get out the hoops for him to jump through....LOL. Yes....I can be a turd if need be. He'll have to speak with her Drs. if he wants any information because when I say I'm done....I'm completely done.

[judy]

So, is he planning to meet her at the local bar? Will he pick her up and take her out?

Puh!!!

[Janet]

He's such an a$$ Judy it's really hard telling. I do know that if any of us see his number on caller ID we will not answer it. If Mom has a phone by her she can answer it or we'll just hand the phone to her.

He's always been the spoiled baby of the family and thinks everyone should do the way he does. I'm so glad I won't have to deal with him anymore. It's like a big weight lifted from my shoulders.

[judy]

I agree that you don't need his nonsense right now. Just do some soul seatrching so that you are not left with any regrets about yourself, Mom or your brother.

[DianaB]

I'm so glad that you've found some people to help out. Be sure and use them!!!!! What a help they can be!!!!

[Janet]

Originally Posted by judy

I agree that you don't need his nonsense right now. Just do some soul seatrching so that you are not left with any regrets about yourself, Mom or your brother.

Thanks Judy.....I really don't think I'll have any regrets. Brad and I were not close. He was always so moody and could change his attitude in a second. He's the type that you can be laughing and having a great time and then all of a sudden he's pissed. I was so tired of walking on egg shells around him. We hardly ever spoke until Mom got sick. I just realized the other day that he has been in his house for 15 years and I've been there 3 times. He lives 3 miles from me.

None of the family likes his wife at all. We just tolerated her because of Brad. Well....now I don't have to tolerate either one of them. I'm really not sad about this at all. I just feel like my load has gotten lighter...and that's a good thing.

[JJJ]

When your mom leaves the Earth you will have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything you could for her. He on the other hand will be feeling like what you said he is. And he will regret not spending time with her all his breathing days.

[Janet]

You're so right. I'm trying to do the right thing by Mom and myself so there won't be any regrets. Even though it's hard some days.....it's wonderful on others. I'm learning some life lessons and that's always good.

[Gina]

Janet I am happy for you, sometimes in life we cannot please everyone, so we have to please ourselves. Getting help for your mom and getting a repreive is exactly what you need now and then. Enjoy the summer off to!