Feeling sad

[judy]

I think I've posted that my daughter has MS and that we aren't in contact. I don't see my 3 precious grandchildren either. She's in a marriage with a terrible, controlling person and the long and the short of it are that she chose the marriage over her relationship with me. I think she had no choice - he really, really doesn't want me around. He knows I see right through him. It's been on again, off again for several years between them and me, but finally reached the breaking point in January 2006.

I, actually, found out some very good news about her a few days ago. We use the same hairdresser who told me that Jessie looks great and has been feeling really good for about 9 months now. She's taking care of the kids, driving, etc. In fact, she has put on some weight and is going to Weight Watchers. She had been too sick, in and out of hopitals, etc. to even think about getting her hair done before. I am so grateful!!!

The odd thing is that I've been feeling sad since. I usually keep my feelings about the whole situation on the back burner. I don't suppress my feelings 100%, but I don't dwell on them either. I think hearing this wonderful news just brought out the sorrow I feel about not having her and my babies in my life. I think part of the sadness also is knowing that she doesn't need me at all. She can do what she's got to do on her own. I know that's a good thing, especially when she has so much to deal with, but I'm a mother and it's always hard when they really don't need you anymore.


There's nothing I can do about our being apart. I've tried everything, including going to Alanon for two years (SIL drinks), so I'll have to just feel sad until I don't feel that sorrow so strongly anymore, and then just get on with my life. I know that will happen. I've done it before.

Thanks for letting me get that all out there,

Judy

[Mandy]

Judy, im so sorry you dont have contact with you daughter, and grandbabies. Its a tough call! Just remember we are here for you, anytime you need to vent/talk about it, you have us here to support you!

[Tink]

Judy, I'm so sorry for your situation. Somtimes we just can't control the way life goes and it IS sad.

I hope things improve for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Janet]

Oh Judy, I am so saddened by your post. Please don't give up completely. Every now and then, send her a sweet card just to let her know you are thinking of her. No other comments unless it's just to say you hope she is doing well. Maybe once in a while, send a small bouquet of flowers just to her. You may not get anything in return except the knowledge that you tried. Sometimes we have to do things for those we love and not expect anything in return.

[Marilyn]

Judy, I can't imagine what you have gone through and what you are going through. Being estranged from a child and grandchildren must be so very hard. You and your situation will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[judy]

Thanks so much for your support. It always helps.

Janet - I do send her flowers from time to time. She knows they're from me because I always get her gladiolas, her favorite. I go by my instincts as to when to send and I'm not sure if right now is a good time. I can't send mail - SIL intercepts it.

Judy

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by judy

Thanks so much for your support. It always helps.

Janet - I do send her flowers from time to time. She knows they're from me because I always get her gladiolas, her favorite. I go by my instincts as to when to send and I'm not sure if right now is a good time. I can't send mail - SIL intercepts it.

Judy

Judy, I'm so sorry things are not so good between you and your daughter. That is really heartbreaking. I hope you are able to come to some kind of resolution as soon as possible. If you can't mail, do you have an email address you could use? Good luck.

[judy]

Originally Posted by AngieDoogles

Judy, I'm so sorry things are not so good between you and your daughter. That is really heartbreaking. I hope you are able to come to some kind of resolution as soon as possible. If you can't mail, do you have an email address you could use? Good luck.

Thanks Angie, but flowers do say it all. I don't know her email address, but sending flowers is an action and actions DO speak louder than words.

How's the move going?

[Janet]

She knows you care and that's what you want her to know. I was thinking, you said you go to the same hairdresser??? Maybe you could leave a letter (in a sealed envelope of course) and when she comes in, your hair dresser could give her the letter. Worth a try.

Originally Posted by judy

I think I've posted that my daughter has MS and that we aren't in contact. I don't see my 3 precious grandchildren either. She's in a marriage with a terrible, controlling person and the long and the short of it are that she chose the marriage over her relationship with me. I think she had no choice - he really, really doesn't want me around. He knows I see right through him. It's been on again, off again for several years between them and me, but finally reached the breaking point in January 2006.

I, actually, found out some very good news about her a few days ago. We use the same hairdresser who told me that Jessie looks great and has been feeling really good for about 9 months now. She's taking care of the kids, driving, etc. In fact, she has put on some weight and is going to Weight Watchers. She had been too sick, in and out of hopitals, etc. to even think about getting her hair done before. I am so grateful!!!

The odd thing is that I've been feeling sad since. I usually keep my feelings about the whole situation on the back burner. I don't suppress my feelings 100%, but I don't dwell on them either. I think hearing this wonderful news just brought out the sorrow I feel about not having her and my babies in my life. I think part of the sadness also is knowing that she doesn't need me at all. She can do what she's got to do on her own. I know that's a good thing, especially when she has so much to deal with, but I'm a mother and it's always hard when they really don't need you anymore.


There's nothing I can do about our being apart. I've tried everything, including going to Alanon for two years (SIL drinks), so I'll have to just feel sad until I don't feel that sorrow so strongly anymore, and then just get on with my life. I know that will happen. I've done it before.

Thanks for letting me get that all out there,

Judy

Hi Judy,

I just want to say I sympathize with you. My mother has MS.. she's had it since she was 36.. and she's 43 now. My mom and my grandmother are close, but they are still times when my mom will shut my grandmother out. Don't worry, when times get tough I'm sure she will be there. Keep trying, I know when my mom first got diagnosed what she needed was her family. Do you know what type of MS she has?
Ashley

[judy]

Originally Posted by Janet

She knows you care and that's what you want her to know. I was thinking, you said you go to the same hairdresser??? Maybe you could leave a letter (in a sealed envelope of course) and when she comes in, your hair dresser could give her the letter. Worth a try.

You and I think alike but I don't want to put Eileen, my hairdresser, in the middle.
She also does SIL's hair and told me that she has never seen him the way I describe him, but that she only does his hair. I felt that I should set up boundaries for myself
as to what I say to her. Maybe she was trying to defend him, I'm not sure.

[Janet]

I guess only you can judge what to do when it comes to involving your hairdresser. I just wish there was someway you could get a nice letter to her. How about another family member? Does or SIL work...could you sneak over during the day?

[judy]

Are you kidding? SIL is the disability scam king. He's always home.

She and I are past that stage to tell you the truth. We reconciled last year, although she wasn't sure about the relationship between us. She has now decided that I wasn't a good mother when she was young. I actually was a good mother, but either that's what she has decided or SIL has fed into whatever negative feelings she had to the point that it became blown out of proportion to where she believes it. Or, she may have to believe it because I think he has threatened her that it's me or him.

SIL told me one day, when I called, that I couldn't see my grandchildren again. She didn't call me and I finally just went over there because I couldn't believe that she just left me hanging like that. She told me that she hadn't known about this right away, and when she found out, she really didn't know what to say to me. I got really angry at her and finally told her that if she doesn't tell her husband that he is not allowed to be abusive of her mother, there was no relationship. I told her that I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone who let their husband treat their own mother like that. I told her that I was sick of this and that she has to put her foot down. He has done these kinds of things to me for a long time and I was so stressed by them. I love my daughter and my grandchildren, but I will not allow abuse in my life, especially by my daughter's husband. She chose her marriage, which I have come to understand.

The bottom line, at this point, is that she is sick, although she's feeling better, thank God, they are married and he is taking care of (?) her and the children, and I have to step away. She made her choice and so did I. The only thing that can happen now is if she comes to understand that she can have both of us in her life because she's actually the only one who is in control.

I am actually, very proud of her. She has managed to stay well for about 9 months
without her mother around. (She was very dependent on me - she's a codependent type of person). She's taking care of her children, and she made the appropriate choice for someone her age. I am sad, but I feel like there is nothing to do anymore, but hope and pray she figures out her life and wants to include me in it.

But, I am feeling better. I haven't decided about sending flowers yet. I go by my gut instinct, and I'm feeling like they will make it a negative, but that she will deep
down be happy about it. I'm not sure I want to be involved in stirring up negativity. We do love each other, even if we never see each other again.

There's much more to this saga, but they're really just details. What I really, really appreciate is you all trying to support me and find ways to help me. I figured I should lay it all out for you. You're such caring people, you should know what's up.

With much love,

[Mandy]

He sounds like such a control freak! He possibly brain washed her Judy, which is cruel, very cruel on his part, for a grown man, he sounds like a spoilt brat that wants it his way, or no way. Well, im happy your daughter is taking care, and looking after her, and the kids.
Him telling you, that you cant see your grandbabies anymore, just shows what type of person he really is. SHAME on him!!!!

[Janet]

I guess the only thing you can do about this guy is hope it's true....."what goes around, comes around" and that you are there to see it.