Now I feel like the worst mother who was ever born!

[judy]

Now I feel like the absolute worst mother ever!

After 3 days of stress and arguing, I finally called Jessie yesterday and told her that I wasn't moving at all. I was staying right where I am! I can't have this arguing between us. She was somewhat taken aback, but she said that she's beginning to realize that this is the way I am, she can't change me, she loves me and she'll just have to live with it.

We aired out our feelings. Hers are that I don't love her enough to sacrifice for her, and that I'm pushing her away. She had hoped for a closer relationship. She feels like we're more like good friends than mother and daughter. Mine are that she has always felt this way, and that it always makes me feel like she doesn't think that I'm a good enough mother.

We both told each other that neither of us is right in how we feel, but you feel like you feel.

She left me a message later on:

"Don't be ridiculous, buy a house wherever you want. I had hoped for more, but it isn't going to happen. I want to always have a relationship with you. In order for us to get along right now, let's keep it light and not discuss this anymore. I dont 'want to be responsible for you to stay in NY. Those conversations were never meant for you to feel like you weren't a good mother. It would be great if you could just know me. We have been having a good time, but I wanted more. For you and I to have a good relationship, we have to keep it light, you have your life and I have mine. etc."

So, now I'm hoping that it will turn out all right. I hate to hurt her feelings. I also don't want my relationship with Steve to go sour.

I really feel so guilty! Like I'm an awful mother who doesn't care at all for her sick child and her poor grandchildren.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by judy

Now I feel like the absolute worst mother ever!

After 3 days of stress and arguing, I finally called Jessie yesterday and told her that I wasn't moving at all. I was staying right where I am! I can't have this arguing between us. She was somewhat taken aback, but she said that she's beginning to realize that this is the way I am, she can't change me, she loves me and she'll just have to live with it.

We aired out our feelings. Hers are that I don't love her enough to sacrifice for her, and that I'm pushing her away. She had hoped for a closer relationship. She feels like we're more like good friends than mother and daughter. Mine are that she has always felt this way, and that it always makes me feel like she doesn't think that I'm a good enough mother.

We both told each other that neither of us is right in how we feel, but you feel like you feel.

She left me a message later on:

"Don't be ridiculous, buy a house wherever you want. I had hoped for more, but it isn't going to happen. I want to always have a relationship with you. In order for us to get along right now, let's keep it light and not discuss this anymore. I dont 'want to be responsible for you to stay in NY. Those conversations were never meant for you to feel like you weren't a good mother. It would be great if you could just know me. We have been having a good time, but I wanted more. For you and I to have a good relationship, we have to keep it light, you have your life and I have mine. etc."

So, now I'm hoping that it will turn out all right. I hate to hurt her feelings. I also don't want my relationship with Steve to go sour.

I really feel so guilty! Like I'm an awful mother who doesn't care at all for her sick child and her poor grandchildren.

Judy...I just don't know what to say. You're not a bad mother, please don't feel that way. She said it all in one sentence...she wanted more. If she got more...would that have been good enough? Somehow I don't think so. I hope you both continue to have a great relationship, but as in any relationship..there has to be boundaries. I wish you the best.

[goofywife]

Hmm, You are not an awful Mother/Grandmother! I believe that each person has a right to decide what they want out of life. Even your daughter shouldn't tell you where to live. I will pray that you both will stop putting the pressure on each other, and really learn to enjoy each other for who you are no matter where you live, regardless of the circumstances.

I keep working on my Daughter (light heartedly), I want her to move closer to us, but she has her own life to live, her own mistakes to make, her own dreams to achive. I can not stand in her way, she wouldn't stand in mine. We love each other dearly, and talk to each other everyday. I miss getting to spend more time with my grandchildren, but I am blessed that they only live 3 hours away. We would probably kill each other if we lived on the same block.

[judy]

She is something else!! We just had another argument. She's not happy and doesn't want to feel this way. She can't get past it. She feels like she always used to. blah, blah, blah. All I wanted to say was "leave me the f alone! I want my own life!"

She started with how many times she wants to talk to me a week. I said - oh you're starting with your rules again? She did drop it. But, the rule she did impose was that she doesn't want to hear about where I live, my apartment, my appliances, etc.

I said to her that if I did move up there, I know what would happen to me. I would think before I Jessie today? She thinks that's exactly how I should feel. She can't believe that I said that - it really hurt her that her own mother wouldn't want to feel that way. She has no sense of freedom or privacy or boundaries.,

I would have no freedom if I felt like that. I would be encompassed by her needs.

She said we could have a life together as a family, and can't believe what I'm giving up. Wouldn't I want to take yoga with Mackenzie or swimming lessons with Kassidy or go shopping with her?

She wants me to just give up my life alone and join in with the flow of her family.
I love her and my grandchildren, but I do not want that in the least!

I hope she doesn't impose her punishment on me again - that I can't see the children and she'll stop calling again.

I hate to say this, but I think she is so annoying. I do not want to live her life!

[Janet]

I don't blame you Judy. It's hard between mothers and daughters I think. I hope she doesn't stop calling again, but maybe when you both got back together, it was too much too soon. Maybe a little break would do you both good. You know I'll keep you in my nightly prayers girl!

[Marilyn]

Judy, I sincerely hope that this all works out for both of you. Perhaps a step back for a moment would be good. Dave Ramsey recommends a book called Boundaries. Here's link http://www.daveramsey.com/shop/Boundaries_P303C44.cfm. I think it is available on Amazon.com also. You might check it our and perhaps if you think it's good, Jessie could read it, too. He talks about this book whenever people are having problems with parents or parents with adult children. Hope this or something helps you both work through this situation. We care and are here anytime you need us!!!

[Chandra Amaya]

I hope things calm daown and get better for you, Judy.

[judy]

Originally Posted by Marilyn

Judy, I sincerely hope that this all works out for both of you. Perhaps a step back for a moment would be good. Dave Ramsey recommends a book called Boundaries. Here's link http://www.daveramsey.com/shop/Boundaries_P303C44.cfm. I think it is available on Amazon.com also. You might check it our and perhaps if you think it's good, Jessie could read it, too. He talks about this book whenever people are having problems with parents or parents with adult children. Hope this or something helps you both work through this situation. We care and are here anytime you need us!!!

I just ordered the book. Thanks!

[Chandra Amaya]

Originally Posted by judy

I just ordered the book. Thanks!

I hope it gives you some insight or atleast some peace.

[katcarasella]

Originally Posted by Chandra Amaya

I hope it gives you some insight or at least some peace.

I'm keeping you in my prayers Judy, I wish I could give you a big hug.

[DianaB]

I'm so sorry, Judy!

I would venture to guess that your daughter's love language is quality time. When you are with your daughter try to have some really good one-on-one conversations. No kids, no distractions. Just you and your daughter. Try to give her some special attention, compliments, and small gifts. You don't have to be at her beck and call but give her the extra attention when you're there the next time. There's a book called "The 5 love languages of children" that might be helpful.

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by DianaB

I'm so sorry, Judy!

I would venture to guess that your daughter's love language is quality time. When you are with your daughter try to have some really good one-on-one conversations. No kids, no distractions. Just you and your daughter. Try to give her some special attention, compliments, and small gifts. You don't have to be at her beck and call but give her the extra attention when you're there the next time. There's a book called "The 5 love languages of children" that might be helpful.

I've never read the 5 Love Languages of Children, but I did read the one for married couples and I agree that it sounds like Jessie's love language is quality time. Judy, you are not a bad mother, you and Jessie just have different ways of feeling loved. She needs to respect your boundaries, but I think she also needs to spend time with you in order to feel loved. This doesn't mean you need to live close to her, but like Diana said, make some special effort to spend one-on-one time with her whenever possible. Perhaps that will make her feel more loved and cause her to be more accepting of your choices and your desire to live your own life the way you want to. I'm sorry you are feeling down. We are here for you whenever you need to vent. Remember, you are a wonderful person and a great mother who truly loves your daughter and grandchildren!

[judy]

Thanks so much all of you. I need your support!

I found a condo not too far from her with nice duplexes, a heated pool., and a clubhouse, I think with a gym. It's more of a second home place for city people, but I emailed my realtor to check it out for me. I'd love to get in touch with the homeowners association, but I can't get an address or phone number.

I'd like to find out how many owners are year round there. The prices are really good. It's far up in the mountains and the prices are good. It's fairly far
from shopping and a college, but I'd say 45 minutes would get me to each.

I found out that the weather near my daughter and near the city my realtor showed me (1.5 hours away) are really the same. If that's so, I might just do it.
I would compromise - and and it really is a nice place.

I will say that she is totally annoying and manipulative when she wants her way. In fact, I don't know anyone who annoys me so much. I think she behaves like a spoiled child if she doesn't get her way, and I'm not in love with that part of her at all. Yuck!

Having said that, I do love her and the kids and don't want to hurt her. I will never make her really happy. Janet - you figured that out as you said it in one of your posts. I'm just too independent and love my freedom too much. I can compromise though.

I haven't heard from my realtor yet. I'll call him tomorrow or Monday. She doesn't know about it, and won't until I decide.

A heated pool! I could learn to love that!

[Janet]

Judy...it sounds really nice, just be sure it's what YOU really want to do.

[judy]

Originally Posted by Janet

Judy...it sounds really nice, just be sure it's what YOU really want to do.

I think I want to move to Tahiti and lie on a beach chair for the rest of my life!