Teenagers

I've always been really close to my girls, more so with my oldest. A mama's girl. Until recently that is. She just turned 17 and has been with her boyfriend for the past 8 months. Now she rarely is home and hardly spends any time with me and I'm having a hard time with it. Worse is that she spends more time with his mom now and I'm trying really hard to not get my nose bent out of shape.

You guys have any experience with this and any advice on how I can handle it without saying/doing the wrong thing?

[Mandy]

Originally Posted by Chimchim

I've always been really close to my girls, more so with my oldest. A mama's girl. Until recently that is. She just turned 17 and has been with her boyfriend for the past 8 months. Now she rarely is home and hardly spends any time with me and I'm having a hard time with it. Worse is that she spends more time with his mom now and I'm trying really hard to not get my nose bent out of shape.

You guys have any experience with this and any advice on how I can handle it without saying/doing the wrong thing?

It sure is tough!!
Welcome to the club! I'm having similar issues with my son.
He has a girlfriend and her parents want him there almost every weekend. A few weeks ago, he was invited to go to a wedding with them, the wedding was on saterday evening, so friday 6pm her mother phones me, telling me that she's picking my son up in 10 minutes time I didnt put he's clothes ready for him, because i had told him that we would be taking him to their house on saterday afternoon. Well, i flipped my lid and told her that in future she may just want to discuss it with US and i don't appreciate last minute calls!

Now if her daughter comes to our house for a few days, she get's all snotty.
I make her phone her mom in the evenings when she's here to let her know, she's OK... I also appreciate it when my son phones me when he's away to let me know he's ok.
When she phones her mom, she get's all nasty with her, tells her that she will sell her horse and rabbits, just because she's with us for a few days
That child has a blast when she's here, she confides in me a LOT and tells me things that worry her, she has also told me many times what her mother is like etc etc...

I can go on and on LOL...

[Mandy]

Oh and be nice to the boyfriend, make him feel so welcome. Speak to your daughter, and tell her you would like it if they spend some time with you to go and do some things together.
Remember never say bad things to her about her big love, sometimes we have to use reverse psychology with these teens

It's tough, i know... but the secret is to get their positive attention.

[Carolyn]

I have about 10 years before I have to go through this and I can't even think about it. Sorry about this!

[Mandy]

Originally Posted by Carolyn

I have about 10 years before I have to go through this and I can't even think about it. Sorry about this!

Enjoy them while they small, time goes so fast, before you know it, they look all grown up!

[magnolia]

Mandy has given some great advice! Express your wish to spend time with the two of them, just as they spend time with the other family....invite them to dinner, a movie, or just a night of fun!!

My oldest just got his learner's permit for driving (about a year behind his friends but we didn't feel he was ready before now) which means, by law here in MS, he'll be able to get his license in 6 months and will have the "freedom" to pick his own dates up and go places without us so my time will come in the spring! And my youngest is 13. So, I have at least 6 months of "calm before the storm" of teenage "going and doing" phase!

Best of luck to you

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Chimchim

I've always been really close to my girls, more so with my oldest. A mama's girl. Until recently that is. She just turned 17 and has been with her boyfriend for the past 8 months. Now she rarely is home and hardly spends any time with me and I'm having a hard time with it. Worse is that she spends more time with his mom now and I'm trying really hard to not get my nose bent out of shape.

You guys have any experience with this and any advice on how I can handle it without saying/doing the wrong thing?

Don't feel to sad...it's always easy to be the good guy when you're not the actual parent. Just speak to her gently and let her know you miss her without being demanding of her time.

I agree w/ Mandy. Just always be pleasant & neutral even though it's killing you. I know a few teens in the neighborhood that are hardly home because they feel the parents are "on their backs" as they say, but when I ask what are they talking about it's the usual parent stuff. They think inquires about school, cerfew, drinking, friends, etc. is "controling", so they stay away. My son has a girlfriend that is here alot, she says it's because her home life is very chaotic, & alot of unhappiness & that she finds our home quiet. I sometimes think the teen years is the hardest of all in raising children.

[Mandy]

Originally Posted by jck4b

I agree w/ Mandy. Just always be pleasant & neutral even though it's killing you. I know a few teens in the neighborhood that are hardly home because they feel the parents are "on their backs" as they say, but when I ask what are they talking about it's the usual parent stuff. They think inquires about school, cerfew, drinking, friends, etc. is "controling", so they stay away. My son has a girlfriend that is here alot, she says it's because her home life is very chaotic, & alot of unhappiness & that she finds our home quiet. I sometimes think the teen years is the hardest of all in raising children.

I know the first seven years of a childs life are so very important, but boy i agree with you, the teen years are hard, it's so easy to make a mistake, because teens interpret your words in their own "language" - for the teenager it's the most difficult fase in their lives. They have so much to learn, so many hormonal changes, and so many physical changes. Somehow teens live in their "own world" untill they snap out of it, all we can do is have a LOT of patients and show understanding.

ok, so she stayed home tonight and we ended up discussing birth control so not ready for this.

[Kimberley]

Originally Posted by Chimchim

ok, so she stayed home tonight and we ended up discussing birth control so not ready for this.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!! God bless you!!!!!

Ladies, I'm reading and soaking this all up! My daughter is only 11 but already pretty independent in some areas. YIKES! Just a few more years........

I know how you feel, I had the same w/ mine at 17. I was hoping she would wait until she was at least 21 I even bought condoms & the pill, just to be sure.
I tried to reassure myself that at least she could come to me, & that it wasn't a worse conversation we could have been having.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Chimchim

ok, so she stayed home tonight and we ended up discussing birth control so not ready for this.

Oh you poor thing.....I know it probably wasn't the conversation you were hoping for, but at least she was able to talk about this with you. That's a great thing. Hang in there sweetie, the teen years don't last forever.....THANK GOD!

Thanks guys. Did I mention the boyfriend was there too......

I too would hope she would wait, but if not then I'm glad she's taking precaution.

[Tink]

My youngest is now 18, so my heart goes out to all of you who are still dealing with this stuff with minors.

It feels to me as if the teens will hand us anything but what we're expecting, so there is really no way to be prepared for it. Just when you think you've seen it all and experienced it all they will toss something new into the mix.

Just try to pick your battles and remember that this is at least as tough for the kids as it is for us parents. Their increasing independence though is a sign that we have done our job well. We want them able to be independent and strong as they leave the nest.