Sometimes I don't know him

[Lindsey]

Scott has been breaking my heart lately, because I'm seeing sides of him I didn't know were there.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a pretty compassionate person, and I will go out of my way to help anyone in need. I donate money to charities and organizations and donate my time to raise money for causes such as the cancer society by taking part in Relay for Life and any fundraising activity my team comes up with. When people come door-to-door for donations, I always give.

Last week, Scott and I went to a movie. He paid. When the cashier asked if he would donate an extra dollar to go to Haiti, he said no. I was shocked and asked why and he said "I donated the last time I bought something" ... okay, he hadn't bought anything since the earthquake, and even if he had, what's another DOLLAR?

Last night I was telling him how the Canadian government is matching all donations from Canadian citizens, and how great that was. He kind of just passed it off and didn't say much. This morning I asked him if he wanted me to add some money onto my donation from him. He said no. I asked why and he said "Because I choose not to, okay?!"

I am flabbergasted at how he can just turn a blind eye to all the devastation, the ruined lives, the poorest people in the world who have now lost families, homes, everything they had. How can a human being NOT look at that and feel the need to give anything extra they have. I understand when people don't have the money to donate, but he DOES... he has much more at his disposal than I do.

It really just makes me want to cry thinking about it. I told him it bothers me because what happens when we get married and have a joint account and he won't let me give money to the organizations I want to donate to... he said "We'll just keep separate accounts and you can do what you want with the money you make"... So basically if I decide to stay at home to raise my children, every organization I support will lose my donations.

It's making me rethink the person I thought he was.

[Blueyes]

This is the perfect example of "when a person reveals his true self to you, believe it the first time". Scott has shown you a part of his true self. A part that you will never be able to change because it's his basic personality. Now you just have to decide if you can live with it or not. Not being as generous as you is one thing. Wanting separate checking accounts is another.

[Lindsey]

Thanks for the reply Betsi. His family really comes off as quite religious, they don't miss a day of church, pray before every meal, etc. But at the same time it seems that the values church should be teaching haven't really been instilled in their day-to-day lives. Without that, what's the point?

Not being as generous as me isn't a problem. Not being generous AT ALL is. I believe that after marriage, all income would be OUR income, and even if I stayed at home to raise OUR children, I should still half a 50% say in how our income is spent. How could we teach those values to our future children if both parents can't even agree? To me, helping a human is more important than having a pile of money in the bank. To him, he always needs the money.

If I die tomorrow, I want to know that I lived a good life and made a difference. How much money you have when you die doesn't matter to God.

It's really tough to discuss this stuff with him because he was raised with the mentality of "Don't spend a penny if you don't have to" and like you said, he will not change.

I'm still young, I know, and I've never been this serious with someone before. I don't know how big or small this could become in the bigger picture.

[Janet]

These are the kinds of things you need to discuss and with a trained professional. Please don't even think about getting married until you have marriage counseling and don't be afraid to bring up everything. It's better to get it out in the open before rather than after.

[Blueyes]

It sounds like it could, and IS a really big thing. You have every right to have a say in ALL of your money matters ALWAYS, no matter if you are working or not. That's what being a family is. People ARE more important than things. Period.

I have seen so many people practicing their religion, but they are so far away from living the way Jesus teaches us..it's not even funny.

I'm sure Scott just thinks he's doing what he should to save money. Do you think he would go out of his way to help somebody if he didn't have to spend any of his money doing it? Does he have a generous nature in general? Maybe giving money to a charity or relief fund is just beyond his comprehension, but he would stop on the side of the road to help a stranger change a flat tire. Sometimes people are generous in different ways.

The bottom line is how all of this makes YOU feel. I'm just trying to help you think things through You have fantastic instincts Lindsey. Trust them.

[judy]

Everyone has given you great advice Lindsey. Basic values are so important in a marriage, and no matter what the reason, if you cant be happy with him just as he is, it is a huge problem.

You really do need to talk it out with Scott, maybe with a counselor. You two need to be on the same page.

You will work this out. You always do choose the best road to follow!

[gja1000]

Judy is right, you are talking about basic fundamental values and beliefs. These values and beliefs drive our behavior - that is why Scott behaves differently than you.

Betsi is also right about showing caring and compassion in ways other than giving money. Is he a caring person to others? Would he help someone because they needed it, is he kind and considerate to others (not just you), how does he treat animals (not just Layla). You don't have to give money to be compassionate, but to be compassionate you do have to want to help your fellow man.

These fundamental belief differences will cause a big problem later, because as I said, beliefs, values, and philosophy of life drives all your behavior. Now, I'm not saying you are Scott are different, that you have fundamental differences - I see money differences but maybe that's all - and maybe deep down you and he are not all that different. But the money thing can be problematic, especially if he doesn't see the money in a marriage as OUR money. THAT can be VERY VERY problematic.

Good luck Lindsay. You are a VERY smart girl, you will figure it out and do the right thing!

[Lindsey]

I don't know that he would necessarily go OUT OF HIS WAY, but if he comes across it he would help someone... like he'll hold the door open for someone who is coming with their arms full or something. Other than that kind of thing, there's not really much else I can think of...

He is kind to other people, and my family and friends just love him because he's so open and happy all the time. I really like that I don't have to feel awkward when we're with my group because he will fit right in.

I have always known that he's tight with his money but since we've been together he has loosened up a lot... in Vegas last year I didn't buy much and he left with 3 or 4 new pairs of shoes And I'm the shoe obsessed one! So in that regard, he has changed. He also buys a new snowboard and snowboard gear pretty much every year. It just feels that when he wants something for himself, it's no problem to go get it, but when it's spending money for other people, then it's a problem. And THAT is something that bothers me.

I know that if we continue our relationship, money will always be the biggest issue. It's all that comes up when we discuss our future. If we have kids, I want them to have the opportunity to take lessons and play sports and all he can say is "that costs money"

I know we're not there yet, but I'm glad we're talking about these things before we get married and before we have kids.

When the time comes, I would definitely see a counselor before taking the next step.

[paula1961]

You are a very smart girl Lindsey! You will figure this out. You have been given alot of great advice from the others. I wish you the best dear friend!

[pope1982]

Originally Posted by Lindsey

I don't know that he would necessarily go OUT OF HIS WAY, but if he comes across it he would help someone... like he'll hold the door open for someone who is coming with their arms full or something. Other than that kind of thing, there's not really much else I can think of...

He is kind to other people, and my family and friends just love him because he's so open and happy all the time. I really like that I don't have to feel awkward when we're with my group because he will fit right in.

I have always known that he's tight with his money but since we've been together he has loosened up a lot... in Vegas last year I didn't buy much and he left with 3 or 4 new pairs of shoes And I'm the shoe obsessed one! So in that regard, he has changed. He also buys a new snowboard and snowboard gear pretty much every year. It just feels that when he wants something for himself, it's no problem to go get it, but when it's spending money for other people, then it's a problem. And THAT is something that bothers me.

I know that if we continue our relationship, money will always be the biggest issue. It's all that comes up when we discuss our future. If we have kids, I want them to have the opportunity to take lessons and play sports and all he can say is "that costs money"

I know we're not there yet, but I'm glad we're talking about these things before we get married and before we have kids.

When the time comes, I would definitely see a counselor before taking the next step.

You also have to keep in mind his relationship with his mother. It seems she has really pampered him, and I am willing to bet that plays into him being a little selfish and inconsiderate at times.

Sometimes we gals just literally have to sit around and wait for mom to back off and our men to grow up. It is good to talk it through and let him know how you feel about it.

If he is the right guy, the wait will be worth it. But it is so not worth it to start arguing over it or letting yourself get blue about it. Like I always say, you must pick your battles and decide how happy you are in life. Things could be much worse my dear! Just keep telling yourself you have a good guy, but like most of them, he has to work through his mommy issues and grow up a little bit (((hugs)))

The good thing is, there is plenty of time for all to be worked out and it does take time! Time and patience, reflection, growth and compromise on both parts as well as the love.

As far as the separate bank accounts, don't let that discussion weigh too heavily on you just yet. Men tend to say exactly what is on their mind without thinking (when they are vocal...) once they've seen our reaction is when they start getting quiet or attempting to change the subject! lol

[Lindsey]

Thanks Becky!

Last night I worked late, I was grumpy, and I drove home in the dark. I opened the condo door to Layla waiting for me, and Scott saying to her "How did you know mommy was coming?" while he dropped what he was doing (working on the crown molding on our cabinets) to give me a hug. I know that I can't just not have him in my life, and we're going to have to just work through whatever there is to work through!

[DianaB]

I think that you've been given some good advice, Lindsey. I also think that Scott is still young and just hasn't given much thought to donating to help other poeple. As we grow older we tend to think more about that kind of thing. Hopefully some of your being so charitable will rub off on him. Give him time.

[paula1961]

Originally Posted by DianaB

I think that you've been given some good advice, Lindsey. I also think that Scott is still young and just hasn't given much thought to donating to help other poeple. As we grow older we tend to think more about that kind of thing. Hopefully some of your being so charitable will rub off on him. Give him time.

Well said Diana!