Now I feel like the worst mother who was ever born!

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by DianaB

I'm so sorry, Judy!

I would venture to guess that your daughter's love language is quality time. When you are with your daughter try to have some really good one-on-one conversations. No kids, no distractions. Just you and your daughter. Try to give her some special attention, compliments, and small gifts. You don't have to be at her beck and call but give her the extra attention when you're there the next time. There's a book called "The 5 love languages of children" that might be helpful.

I've never read the 5 Love Languages of Children, but I did read the one for married couples and I agree that it sounds like Jessie's love language is quality time. Judy, you are not a bad mother, you and Jessie just have different ways of feeling loved. She needs to respect your boundaries, but I think she also needs to spend time with you in order to feel loved. This doesn't mean you need to live close to her, but like Diana said, make some special effort to spend one-on-one time with her whenever possible. Perhaps that will make her feel more loved and cause her to be more accepting of your choices and your desire to live your own life the way you want to. I'm sorry you are feeling down. We are here for you whenever you need to vent. Remember, you are a wonderful person and a great mother who truly loves your daughter and grandchildren!

[judy]

Thanks so much all of you. I need your support!

I found a condo not too far from her with nice duplexes, a heated pool., and a clubhouse, I think with a gym. It's more of a second home place for city people, but I emailed my realtor to check it out for me. I'd love to get in touch with the homeowners association, but I can't get an address or phone number.

I'd like to find out how many owners are year round there. The prices are really good. It's far up in the mountains and the prices are good. It's fairly far
from shopping and a college, but I'd say 45 minutes would get me to each.

I found out that the weather near my daughter and near the city my realtor showed me (1.5 hours away) are really the same. If that's so, I might just do it.
I would compromise - and and it really is a nice place.

I will say that she is totally annoying and manipulative when she wants her way. In fact, I don't know anyone who annoys me so much. I think she behaves like a spoiled child if she doesn't get her way, and I'm not in love with that part of her at all. Yuck!

Having said that, I do love her and the kids and don't want to hurt her. I will never make her really happy. Janet - you figured that out as you said it in one of your posts. I'm just too independent and love my freedom too much. I can compromise though.

I haven't heard from my realtor yet. I'll call him tomorrow or Monday. She doesn't know about it, and won't until I decide.

A heated pool! I could learn to love that!

[Janet]

Judy...it sounds really nice, just be sure it's what YOU really want to do.

[judy]

Originally Posted by Janet

Judy...it sounds really nice, just be sure it's what YOU really want to do.

I think I want to move to Tahiti and lie on a beach chair for the rest of my life!

[Janet]

Originally Posted by judy

I think I want to move to Tahiti and lie on a beach chair for the rest of my life!

I wanna come live with you!

[goofywife]

Can I come too!

Originally Posted by judy

I think I want to move to Tahiti and lie on a beach chair for the rest of my life!

[Janet]

Okay everyone...we're moving to Judy's new place!

I've got my stuff...BeachGearCE1.jpg

[Marilyn]

Judy, please don't rush into anything right now when emotions are running so high. As Janet said, please make sure it is what YOU want. You are the one who will have to live there. Perhaps you could rent for a little while to "try it out" and see if it's a fit before making such a hugh committment. Be sure you are close to competant medical facilities also. We love you!!!

[judy]

You're all right! I really don't know where I'll end up living. I do like this place though. I'm going to try to attach some pix.

[Tink]

Judy, we devote many years to raising our kids. Willingly give up our time and space and often our dreams to provide for them the best that we can. I'm sure you did this, and know I have.

There does come a time when we deserve to live for ourselves though. For you and I, that time has come. Please don't let her or anyone else guilt you into giving up the freedom you've earned. Setting boundaries can be hard, and our kids always know which buttons to push to make us feel that we owe them more... but that doesn't make it true.

I think too that it sounds like you need to take a break from decisions until you truly know where you want to be. You don't have to decide today... and it seems it might be better if you don't!

Several years ago my oldest dd asked us to move about an hr away to help her with her oldest while she worked and went to school. Since I worked from home, Greg drove semi, and I was homeschooling Joel and Katie, it didn't matter a lot where we lived, so we decided to do it We bought a house about 2 miles from them and for a while it was ok. What we didn't realize was that the little town we'd moved to was very unfriendly, seemed like a Peyton Place with drinking, drugs, affairs and so on just rampant. We didn't fit in or like it at all.

About a yr after we moved there, my daughter and her husband got a deal they couldn't refuse and moved away! So there were were in a place we didn't like, with no reason to be there and quite unhappy. I was too far from them to be helping with my grand daughter anymore and we were stuck in a place we did not fit in or like.

We did end up moving back "home" but our lives were quite negatively affected by having moved there. If we had known before what we knew after, we'd never have gone.

I hope you can avoid making a similar mistake.

HUGS

[Chandra Amaya]

Originally Posted by judy

You're all right! I really don't know where I'll end up living. I do like this place though. I'm going to try to attach some pix.

got an extra room?

[teri88]

Don't feel like a bad mother. If you didn't love your daughter, then I'd say you were a bad mother, but you do love her. I think, and I hope you don't take this wrong, but I think she needs to grow up. It is not normal for a mother to put her grown daughter first and be there every minute that she wants her to be. That just doesn't sound right to me. You need to take care of yourself. She is a big girl now and needs to work out her own problems. I'll keep you both in my prayers.

[Chandra Amaya]

Originally Posted by teri88

Don't feel like a bad mother. If you didn't love your daughter, then I'd say you were a bad mother, but you do love her. I think, and I hope you don't take this wrong, but I think she needs to grow up. It is not normal for a mother to put her grown daughter first and be there every minute that she wants her to be. That just doesn't sound right to me. You need to take care of yourself. She is a big girl now and needs to work out her own problems. I'll keep you both in my prayers.

[judy]

Thank you all so much! Your support has really helped. Everything you've all said is absolutely true. She's being infantile, a spoiled brat, way too needy, self-serving and very disrespectful of my needs. But, what she does is hers. What I decide to do is my choice and I will base it on my own happiness as well as all the other things that go along with having a grown child and grandchildren, and the reality that she is sick.

S0...I'm off tomorrow to check out these condos. Jessie doesn't know anything about this. That way, if I don't like them, the4re's nothing to discuss with her.

After that, I'm going to Jessie's for as couple of days. My grandson is having his tonsils removed and has to stay in the hospital overnight. Both doting parents are staying with them and I get the girls all to myself!

I've been busy for the past couple of days and haven't been on much. Now, I'm going to miss you all for another 3 days!

I'll never catch up, but I love you all and "may your troubles be less and your blessings be more and nothing but happiness come through the door."

[Gina]

Originally Posted by judy

Thanks so much all of you. I need your support!

I found a condo not too far from her with nice duplexes, a heated pool., and a clubhouse, I think with a gym. It's more of a second home place for city people, but I emailed my realtor to check it out for me. I'd love to get in touch with the homeowners association, but I can't get an address or phone number.

I'd like to find out how many owners are year round there. The prices are really good. It's far up in the mountains and the prices are good. It's fairly far
from shopping and a college, but I'd say 45 minutes would get me to each.

I found out that the weather near my daughter and near the city my realtor showed me (1.5 hours away) are really the same. If that's so, I might just do it.
I would compromise - and and it really is a nice place.

I will say that she is totally annoying and manipulative when she wants her way. In fact, I don't know anyone who annoys me so much. I think she behaves like a spoiled child if she doesn't get her way, and I'm not in love with that part of her at all. Yuck!

Having said that, I do love her and the kids and don't want to hurt her. I will never make her really happy. Janet - you figured that out as you said it in one of your posts. I'm just too independent and love my freedom too much. I can compromise though.

I haven't heard from my realtor yet. I'll call him tomorrow or Monday. She doesn't know about it, and won't until I decide.

A heated pool! I could learn to love that!

Judy, I just read both your posts and I feel bad for you. You seem to be what's the expression between a rock and a hard place?? yep I believe that is the expression.

Your not a bad mother/grandmother at all. There are certain mothers whom love to spend every waking moment with their daughters and their family. Then there are the one's who like to have quality time with their daughters and have their own time to themselves too. There is nothing wrong with either relationship. It is how you feel and you are entitled to having your own life too. As moms we have sacrificed our time raising them and always being there for them. When they are older and off to college most of the time we are not needed, they need to find their way in life. But they do come back once married.

Your daughter must realize that you have been an independent woman for many years and you are still young. You need to have your own space, that doesn't mean that you will not be spending quality time with her and her family. Don't feel guilty no need to fight. Tell her that you love her and will be closer to her in distance than you are now. You will see her more often than you do now , and if she is not feeling well you will be there in a heartbeat. Judy maybe she is scared because of her illness, just keep reassuring her that mom is close by.


If you want to get in touch with the association of the condo complex, ask the realtor to get the number for you.

Good luck and do what is best for you..