sexless relationships

[DianaB]

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

[Tink]

I have to join the other 50-something ladies here... We've been there, seen it, lived it and watched our friends go through it as well.
My husband drives semi, so is home maybe 1-2 days a week at most. Needless to say he's not been here helping with housework or child care as his job simply doesn't allow it. When he does get home the last thing he wants to do is go somewhere again, so our time together is usually spent at home together. He eats out all week, so his ideal is to have a home cooked meal and to be able to relax in front of the TV (which he doesn't see all week) or unwind with the puppies, catch up with the kids, and so on.

It would be SO easy for he and I to lose touch if we didn't truly work at it. I could resent his being gone and the fact that I was for the most part a single parent to the children HE so desperately wanted. Yet I know that he loves his profession and the freedom it affords him, and it was this independent yet loving man that I fell in love with, so it would be rather self-defeating to try to change him to fill my idea of a more helpful mate.
We live a very simple life, and I try not to ask too much of him when he is here. Rather, we try to just enjoy our time together and appreciate each other for who we are and support each others dreams. It's this that's kept us together when most of our friends have parted.

[jrsygal37]

I'm very closed mouth about my life and relationships but some how I guess when you are on a computer you feel almost anonymous. Maybe, this will help you Haley. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm roundin 40. Ouch that hurt. LOL. I married young 18 yrs. old. My husband is older then me and we have two beautiful boys who are now teen and pre-teen at 12 and 14. Time goes fast. Faster then you ever realize. And, one day you wake up and think back about what you should have done and how much you lost.

My husband was married before and well as I said I was young and obviously he was my first. He had his kids I wanted kids he didn't. I was young in love and really dumb. The first ten years I was married was bad. I tried hard to be what he wanted. Kept myself in shape, dressed as he liked, kept the house as he liked, never went out and just built my life around him and for him. He on the other hand liked having a young stupid "trophy" wife so he could have his cake and eat it too. He had night clubs and he had girlfriends. I made a big mistake. Instead of leaving him, I brought two little boys into the picture hoping it would make everything right. It didn't. He was still always at the clubs and he still had his girlfriends. You can't change who they are. If they are lazy they will be lazy all through your marriage. If they cheat they will always cheat all through your marriage until it stops working (LOL).

One day I woke up and realized the big mistakes I made. The first staying with him and the second bringing two innocent boys into a bad marriage and the third staying in the marriage because of the boys. And, it's funny one day he just became the husband I would have loved to have had yet, but it was too late. I changed and I moved on. I stopped sleeping in the bed with him years ago and even after he became the man I always wanted I found that I could not go back. It took a long time but I do love him but not as a wife should love her husband.

I'm different. I'm not the little girl I was and I realized that there was more to life then what I had with him. I live my own life. We live together but separate if you know what I mean and this is what I meant when I say that your son as he gets older will realize what is going on. My oldest does and it hurts me. I'm thankful that he never knew how his dad used to be, but sad at the same time because I'm the bad guy.

So, this is what I was trying to say when I said that you need to make sure that your marriage is over and if it is to end it completely because staying in a marriage for you son is not the way to go. In the long run it comes back and bites everyone on the butt. Elaine

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by DianaB

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

Diana, I think those two quotes really sum up what it takes to have a good marriage. I try so hard to be supportive to my husband, and when I put forth that little extra effort, I can see almost immediately that it comes back to me ten times as strong. When he feels loved and uplifted, it's much easier for him to think to do nice things like empty the dishwasher or start a load of laundry or write me a sweet note or plan a surprise. He always finds the sweetest way to thank me when I encourage him and the smile on his face, the light in his eyes when I make him feel loved is priceless!

Haley, my suggestion to you (on top of the many wonderful suggestions you've already received) is to find a new way to show him that you love him. Let him see your effort and let him know that you are doing it because you want HIM to feel loved and special. When he sees your effort and love for him, it might just make him want to try harder to make your marriage work. I think there's an old song that says "love isn't love until you give it away." How true is that!

[judy]

Haley,

I'm going to keep my feelings out of this thread. Having been divorced twice, I don't want to participate in the flow of the thread.

I do want to say though that I am praying for the best possible outcome for all of you.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by judy

Haley,

I'm going to keep my feelings out of this thread. Having been divorced twice, I don't want to participate in the flow of the thread.

I do want to say though that I am praying for the best possible outcome for all of you.

I wish I would have thought of that!!! Next time in this kind of thread, I'm gonna run it past you first...LOL

[judy]

Originally Posted by Janet

I wish I would have thought of that!!! Next time in this kind of thread, I'm gonna run it past you first...LOL